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North Korea: Hair Apparent

For those so inclined, there is an article that painstakingly, soberly, fascinatingly details a North Korea “on the verge of collapse,” as “entering its death throes,” a country whose children are 20% shorter and lighter than their contemporaries in South Korea after years of malnutrition, a country whose economy has been dying since the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991

This is not that article.

Instead I would rather talk about what an unhinged loony fuckwad “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il is. As his people starve, freeze, and prepare for the chaos of collapse, Kim is worried about their hair:

    The short-hair campaign actually was launched in October, but it reached new lengths Monday when state-run Central TV began ridiculing nonconformists as unhygienic, anti-socialist fools. It comes as North Korea’s dictatorship struggles to tighten its control over information, monitor its population and dictate cultural tastes.

    State TV even derided violators of the order by name and address, calling them “blind followers of bourgeois lifestyle,” and exposing them to jeers from other citizens.

    “We cannot help questioning the cultural taste of this comrade, who is incapable of feeling ashamed of his hair style,” the station said Monday, showing a man identified as Ko Gwang Hyun, whose unkempt hair covered his ears.

    “Can we expect a man with this disheveled mind-set to perform his duty well?” the announcer asked.

    ….Among the campaign’s hairdos and don’ts: Hair must be kept no longer than two inches. The only exception is for older men, who are given an extra four-fifths of an inch to hide baldness.

    The dictum claims that long hair hampers brain activity by taking oxygen away from nerves in the head.

    North Korea’s campaign does not mention any rules for women and gives no explanation as to why their long hair would not result in reduced brain activity.

    ….Kim .. turns 63 this month. For years, he sported a pouffy pompadour — reportedly to boost his 5-foot-3 height.

    About two years ago, pictures started appearing in official media showing that Kim had trimmed his hair along the ear and back, and only slightly longer on top — with the curly bouffant gone. [AP]

But it isn’t just hair on the Great Man’s little mind:

    North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has inspected the pig farm of a military unit, the North’s state-run news agency said Saturday. Kim toured the farm facilities and was shown the pig raising after being briefed on the farm by military officials

Between regulating male coiffures and inspecting swine (“Yes, that is a pig”), who has time to run a country?

(“Yes, I am an insane motherfucker”)

About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: [email protected], Facebook.com/amhaunted, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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