Monday , April 22 2024
This is neither a movie nor a review for the faint of heart.

DVD Review: Once Upon a Girl…

Let me preface this entire review by stating, emphatically, that despite the cartoon nature of the movie discussed herein, this is not a children’s movie. It’s not even a child appropriate review. Seriously, it’s entirely possible that you shouldn’t contemplate reading the review with a child anywhere in the vicinity. But now, on with the show…

I’ll tell you truly, I don’t know why Once Upon A Girl… exists, I just don’t. In short, and without beating around the bush, if you want to read no further, the movie is animated porn. Short and sweet.

So before I get into the long and the short of it, a plot summary:

The film starts out as live-action fare, with Mother Goose having been arrested for telling naughty stories. The film opens at the start of her trial. She explains to the judge, jury, and pretty much everyone that will listen that she is the one true Mother Goose and she goes on to explain that she was arrested because she was telling naughty, but true stories. It seems as though the Mother Goose tales that we’ve all come to know and love are the sanitized versions that she was forced to tell back in the day so as to not get in trouble. She feels as though the old versions were wholly chauvinistic and that the new, naughty versions are not. She then goes on to tell some of these naughty versions.

First up is Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack, you see, has a breast fetish and has quite the ability to suck. After watching some lass self-stimulate for a while, he goes back home and begins to suck on the family’s cow’s teats. Having been told not to do this before, Jack’s mother becomes fed up with him upon catching him again, and forces him to sell the cow. Jack happens upon a gypsy that offers to buy the cow in exchange for allowing Jack to suck on his gypsy wench’s massive breasts. Jack does this, becomes incredibly aroused and has sex with her. The gypsy advises him that his penis is far too large for the average woman and that he’ll kill any woman he ends up marrying. Jack, upon achieving his orgasm, is repentant for selling the cow so cheaply and the gypsies throw in some magic beans.

Jack’s mother is, understandably, upset at his inability to get anything of value for the cow, throws the beans out of the house and sends Jack to bed without supper. Jack goes to his room, thinks back to the gypsy woman’s massive presents and proceeds to pleasure himself. His semen ends up flying out the window and lands on the magic beans.  They are thereby fertilized, creating the famed beanstalk.  

Jack climbs the beanstalk, finds the Giant’s house and talks to the Harp. The Harp explains that the Giant keeps her because when she is played everyone around her gets turned on. Jack plays her and the food and dishes and cutlery start having sex. The Giant’s wife also appears and is aroused. Jack ends up sucking on her breasts before she uses him as a dildo. The Giant comes home, wants to have sex with his wife, so plays the harp, and proceeds to do so (seems he can only get it up when the harp is played). 

That’s all well and good except that the wife hid Jack in her vagina when he got home, so Jack is being hit by the Giant’s penis when he has sex with his wife. The Giant finishes his business, Jack pops out of the wife, and the Giant is incredibly pleased, assuming Jack is a baby and the fruit of his recent emissions. 

Thus ends the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. And pretty much explains what you can expect upon hearing the story of Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood which follow it.  Between all these animated pieces the story goes back to the live action courtroom, where everyone is becoming more and more aroused and end up having one big orgy by the end (and letting Mother Goose go).

So, down to the nub of the issue. This movie is bad. Frankly, it’s just obnoxious. The animation is poor, the storytelling weak, and oh so many of the voices are grating. Beyond that, all these versions of the stories are far, far more chauvinistic then the earlier ones. Little Red Riding Hood is such a ditz that she ends up going to a wedding and giving a blowjob to the groom as a toll. Jack’s breast obsession represents a complete and total objectification of women. And, Mother Goose is played by a man (Hal Smith). How is this not a chauvinistic, male-centric, view of the world? 

Additionally, Mother Goose, who is telling the stories, yells at the characters in them as they go about doing their thing. I can’t even fathom why this is. She’s telling the stories, why is she so angry at the characters she has invented? 

Lastly, and this must be said, the movie is either overly gratuitous in its depictions or not gratuitous enough. It is only on rare occasions when penetration is shown, giving the feeling that the producers couldn’t decide quite how far to go. It either needed to be shown virtually every time characters had sex or never — to waver back and forth does the film no good.

As for extras in this DVD release, they are woefully poor. It only has the original theatrical trailer and an interview with executive producer William Silberkleit. Silberkleit provides a brief overview into the softcore pics his company was putting out during the ‘70s and the climate of pornography as a whole at that moment in history. It is however exceedingly brief (less than nine minutes), and serves mainly to advertise other films he produced. 

Wow, that’s a whole lot of words to say that this is animated pornography and if that’s your thing you should definitely go ahead and check it out. If animated porn isn’t your thing, this DVD is not likely to change your mind, though I have to imagine that there are other films out there that might.

About Josh Lasser

Josh has deftly segued from a life of being pre-med to film school to television production to writing about the media in general. And by 'deftly' he means with agonizing second thoughts and the formation of an ulcer.

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