Monday , September 21 2020

Cinematic Shocker: Horror Flicks Real

Heretofore unknown top-secret government agency, code named “Hombres en Negro,” revealed today that all horror and sci-fi films are either documentaries or “darned accurate recreations,” according to a spokesman identified only as “L.”

“In keeping with the current administration’s open-book policy,” he declared to gasps from the crowd of assembled reporters, “we have decided to reveal that all horror and sci-fi films ever made are real. Your zombies, flesh-eating aliens seeking world domination, malevolent spirits, blood-sucking vampires, mutant woodland creatures, Freddy, Jason, invisible men, head-boring flying orbs – real, all too, too real,” he sighed.

“We’ve had our hands full since that Dr. Caligari and his damned cabinet in 1919,” he huffed.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Even Van Helsing??,” shouted incredulous scribes.

“Even Van Helsing, I’m afraid, with those gooey vampire spawn pods dripping all over the damn place – that was one mighty mess to clean up, I can assure you!”

The X-Files?”

“The movie, not the series,” L chuckled.

War of the Worlds?”

“Of course – the ‘simulated’ report was true, true, truesky! Thank God (he’s real too, by the way, and Satan) for our bacteria! Those Martian bastards never knew what him ’em!

“Hey, look at the time – gotta go help Spielberg finish up the new one!”

Their world-views shattered, stunned members of the press stared blankly off into the distance.

About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: [email protected], Facebook.com/amhaunted, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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