US seeks multilateral support for unilateralism:
- In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his “U.S. Does Whatever It Wants” plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.
“As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the world,” said Bush in his 25-minute address. “With its military might, it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world’s nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient.”
According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet; detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.
In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.
“After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors and allies the world over,” Bush said. “This kindness played a vital role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose wishes matter.”
Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.
“Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president of Iraq,” Bush said. “The time has come for this man to step down, because we want him to.”…
Okay, so it’s the Onion – still makes sense.