It's hard to imagine a celebrity more contemptible, parasitic, self-regarding, and vomitus than Paris Hilton — yet remarkably, they exist.
For example, Avril Lavigne just showed us why it is typically a good idea to keep your mouth shut and your bodily fluids to yourself when drunk in public.
Last week, Lavigne and her new husband, Deryck Whibley, frontman for pop-punk band Sum 41, showed us that not all celebrities are created equal. Some can truly suck the red off an apple. How so, you ask? Well, spitting in the face (two separate occasions) of the paparazzi, writing "f*ck you" to autograph-seeking fans, and then cackling like a miniature, demented witch on bad potion, for starters.
Lavigne and Whimbly both took it upon themselves on separate occasions to assail their admirers with volumes of saliva. And of course, who else but TMZ has all three incidents on film?
I am not sure if this immature display was an attempt to shed the totally wanker image she and her husband gained after their July private estate, wussy-ass, anti-punk, Vera Wang/Hugo Boss wedding in white; or perhaps, they really are just a couple of assplugs. Either way, I felt the strongest, most uncontrollable urge to punch a hole through the back of their skulls.
"I'd like to sincerely apologize for my behavior with the paparazzi. It's trying at best dealing with their insistent intrusions. I meant no offense to my fans, whose relationship I truly value. I have and will always go out of my way for my fans. My behavior was a reaction to the persistent attack from the paparazzi."
All this after claiming her new album is light on angst. She told MTV News, "It's really upbeat. I have a few love songs — it's so funny. Of course, I still have my boy-bashing songs, but they're very playful. So the record is really fun and cool and different, and honestly, I think it's my best record yet. I can say that with confidence."
Again, I cannot emphasize enough how much my cat hates her.
So what does this have to do with Paris Hilton? In my world, everything has to do with Paris Hilton — what better way to gauge the downfall of humanity? Besides, Whibley dated Paris just long enough to catch something before hooking up with Avril a couple of years back. Of course, a lot of people can say that, but that's part of the point, isn't it?
The thing is, Paris Hilton is a perfect example of how a celebrity should interact with the paparazzi. Well, perfect maybe isn't the right word, because in a perfect world Paris wouldn't actually exist. But due to some kind of kink in the chaos theory that controls the cosmos, she exists, so here we are.
When confronted by the paparazzi and "insistent" fans, Paris smiles, signs autographs, and goes on her merry way. She strikes the perfect balance between being grateful and hamming it up, with the end result being a mass rise in her popularity. If it weren't for the fact that she is a talentless roadhouse whore sitting on fat millions, she might be the next Princess Di. But alas, chaos, the cosmos, and cruel fate have once again laughed in our faces.
Paris Hilton wouldn't dare spit on the paparazzi or her fans. She's a dimbulb, but she understands the importance of playing nice — unless, of course, you are her best friend and then the bitch will shiv you in the back while she slobbers on your boyfriend from various exposed cavities.