Friday , April 12 2024
I don't know how long I can keep these, but I can promise you I will make it until tomorrow.

A Sports Fan’s New Year’s Resolutions

I basically don’t like resolutions – primarily because that sets someone up for failure – but for me 2010 in sports was a difficult and sometimes painful year. In order to make life easier for me (and those I love) I have come to the conclusion that making some resolutions (and keeping them at least for a time) will make everyone happier.

So, here it goes, my sports resolutions in no apparent order. In 2011 I resolve to:

1. Stop expecting my teams (Mets, Jets, Islanders, Knicks) to make the playoffs. This is an unreal expectation and ruins my enjoyment of the games themselves.

2. Stop comparing Jets head coach Rex Ryan to silent film star Fatty Arbuckle (Fatty was much cuter anyway).

3. Stop watching ESPN so much and play with my kids more. I can always get the scores from the paper the next day, right? Who needs to see highlights.

4. Give Sandy Alderson and Terry Collins a chance with the Mets. I know Willie Randolph is never coming back, so I have to live with that. Come on, Terry, make me believe again.

5. Let go of the notion of switching channels back and forth when watching games. I don’t really enjoy games this way, but I can’t help wanting to see what’s happening someplace else, but then I end up missing the really great or big plays.

6. Stop comparing Rex Ryan to the late comic John Candy (John was much funnier anyway).

7. Stop enjoying the fact that Tiger Woods didn’t win one tournament last year and may never again be the great golfer he once was. Hasn’t the guy been punished long enough? I mean if Eliot Spitzer can get a show on CNN, Tiger should really be forgiven. He’s not as bad as Billy the Kid or someone like that, right?

8. Enjoy watching Rafael Nadal beat the pants off everyone he faces and not keep thinking that his days as number one are ending. He may still end up being the greatest tennis player ever.

9. Stop waiting for broadcaster and former tennis player John McEnroe to say something politically incorrect again. I know it is only a matter of time.

10. Stop comparing Rex Ryan to actor John Goodman (hey, Goodman has lost a lot of weight).

11. Give up the notion of Brett Favre appearing in the sequel to There’s Something About Mary.

12. Keep enjoying the fact that OJ Simpson will not be appearing in anything other than jailhouse photos in an orange jumpsuit.

13. Stop blaming Carlos Beltran for keeping his bat on his shoulder and looking at that third strike from Adam Wainwright with the bases loaded to end Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS. I mean, come on, it’s time to forgive and forget.

14. Stop comparing Rex Ryan to the late comedian Chris Farley (hey, Rex would never be able to make living in a van down by the river funny).

15. Get over the fact that the Jets really don’t belong in the playoffs this year. This will help me enormously when they are eliminated in the first round anyway.

16. Never get angry about anything Mike Francesa says on WFAN radio ever again. If I could just stop listening…

17. Continue laughing over how pompous Yankee announcer Michael Kay got roasted in his own pudding for declaring the Texas Rangers dead after the Yankees won the first game in the playoffs. We know how well that turned out for Mike.

18. Stop wishing to see headlines declaring that George Steinbrenner hired (or fired) Billy Martin. I mean, aren’t they in heaven right now still having an argument over Miller Lite being less filling or tasting great?

19. Stop comparing Rex Ryan to Santa Claus (though Rex does have the “Ho, Ho, Ho” part down right).

20. Stop reading the newspaper from back to front. I have been doing this since high school, and there has to be something more important on the front page than the back page after all these years.

21. Give up all hope for the Islanders to get a new home before I am too old to go to the games. Also, I give up hope of the team making the playoffs or being like that 1980s team that I loved so much.

22. Keep telling myself that all those technical fouls Amar’e Stoudemire keeps racking up (he has ten so far this season) are just how he plays an aggressive game and won’t adversely affect him or the Knicks in the long run.

23. Stop going downstairs during family parties to watch the game. This is going to be a tough one, but I must say I always get back upstairs in time for them to sing “Happy Birthday” and blow out the candles.

24. Wear my teams’ hats and attire during the season, even during overlap times like the month of September when I will wear a Jets cap and a Mets T-shirt.

25. Finally, stop comparing Rex Ryan to Ralph Kramden (as played by Jackie Gleason on The Honeymooners) because only Ralph could admit the obvious about his big mouth.

There you have it, folks. I don’t know how long I can keep these resolutions, but I can promise you I will make it until tomorrow. After that, hide the remote controls and let the games begin.

Happy New Year!

About Victor Lana

Victor Lana's stories, articles, and poems have been published in literary magazines and online. His new novel, 'Unicorn: A Love Story,' is available as an e-book and in print.

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