The World Olympic Federation has decided to drop softball from the 2012 Olympic schedule. That fact means that we will need at least one event as a replacement. So here are my suggestions for new Olympic events.
1) Hot dog eating. There is now a world championship featuring athletes from around the globe. The two best eaters in the world are thin guys from Japan and the United States, although there could be a woman’s division as well. There could be extra points for chili and onions as long as the contestants were kept away from the Olympic flame.
2) Frolf, which is Frisbee golf for the uninitiated. China spent forty billion dollars on the 2008 Olympics with half of the cost going for new stadiums. Frolf requires 18 trees and nine dollars worth of Frisbees. I have just saved the Olympic movement about a half a billion dollars.
3) How about cooking? Put Emeril, Rachael Ray, The Iron Chef, and other denizens of the cooking channels in a kitchen and let them rumble.
4) American football. Never mind namby pamby soccer; let’s have some good old American, butt-kicking football. If China wants to use underage athletes in this event I say go ahead. Bulgarian weightlifters and Russian runners on steroids are no problem. I hereby choose Brian Urlacher as team captain and I say bring them all on.
5) I have never been a fan of shooting and sailing as Olympic sports so I say combine the two. However the shooters can use cannons. Just think of the possible combinations and excitement.
6) Get rid of all kinds of Olympic wrestling. It is all boring. I mean how many of you have actually watched a complete Olympic wrestling match? Bring in professional wrestlers. Hulk Hogan, The Iron Sheik, and Triple H would certainly bring some excitement to the games. The faking would be no worse than the fireworks and the little girl not actually singing at the opening ceremony.
7) I was a hammer thrower in school about forty years ago. I say add a hammer throw for males over 55 who are grandfathers living in the south but who root for the Red Sox and are mostly bald with a birthday in December. Hey — it’s my only shot at a medal.
These are my suggestions at present. I feel that any of them would be a worthy addition to the Olympic experience and would certainly send the television ratings through the roof. If any of my ideas catch on please send residual checks to my home address.