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You Probably Offend, Vince

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According to the latest rumour mill chumscrubs, WWE is continuing with the Tim White storyline.  For those that don’t follow the theatre of the absurd that is WWE now more than ever, Tim White is a referee that “committed suicide” at the end of the WWE Smackdown pay-per-view Armageddon.  Thankfully, it turns out White only shot one of his toes, and Tim White’s character is (don’t read this, apparently it’s a “spoiler”) now that of a man who botches his own suicides.  This smacks of a company doing anything to remain in the spotlight when no one pays attention to it anymore.  Instead of compelling characters and matches that entertain folks, WWE writers are playing the surreality card and trying to purposely make WWE programs as dire as possible.  It makes for annoying programming, but what can you do aside from ignoring it or turning it into compelling Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder.  WWE isn’t going to improve, now.

What bothers me about this sort of attention-grabbing is that WWE doesn’t appeal to the “blogging” “community” by basing more storylines and gimmicks around the top news stories of the day.  Sure, there’s a babykiller character, some garden-variety xenophobes, a right-wing stock market guru/wrestling god and a bad guy Arab, but is that enough?  With WWE’s penchant for basing storylines around taboos of the moment, the past seven days have made for tragedies the WWE can milk for their patented “comedy segments” (which, surprisingly enough, feature little actual comedy.)  If the WWE writers are ever hard up for ideas, they can take one or all of the following:

ZEITGEIST-SURFING IDEA #1: Paul Heyman and twelve OVW talents find themselves trapped in Heyman’s poorly-ventilated basement, with only bill notices and bounced cheques to eat and/or keep them warm.  They are trapped in the basement for two days until WWE realizes they’re gone, leading to a special episode of Raw from outside Paul Heyman’s house.  At 9:05PM Todd Grisham announces that the twelve talents have been saved, with much elation from Joey Styles.  Jonathan Coachman and Jerry Lawler yammer on ignorantly as they always do.  At 11:00PM, and before the end of a thrilling Cena/Gene Snitsky match where Snitsky wins the WWE Championship, Grisham announces that only Heyman is alive.  The miscommunication is blamed on no one understanding Jim Ross’ message of “BUHGAWD TWELVE HOSSES THOSE STUDS OUR MEN AND WOMEN OVERSEAS SHADES OF FIT FINLAY.”  Of course, next week it’ll be revealed that everyone got out of the basement safely after all.  The talents weren’t dead after all, just TOMBSTONED BY THE UNDERTAKER!  SPOOKY!

ZEITGEIST-SURFING IDEA #2: Dean Malenko is classified as having a stroke that causes internal bleeding of his rectum, resulting in emergency surgery and one of those segments where a Triple H mask is pulled out.  Daivari is interviewed by Maria on Raw (“so, is Dean Malenko like the Great Malenko?” leading to Maria singing Insane Clown Posse lyrics.)  In a SHOCKING PROMO, Daivari says that he’s glad Dean Malenko is close to death!  Apparently, Daivari is Iranian and hates Jewish people like The Man of 1000 Holds!  Matt Striker then comes out to declare Malenko’s stroke an act of God!  Looks like there’s a malevolent side to Daivari and Striker that we’ve never seen before!  You’ll hate them now more than Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan!  THEY HATE AMERICA, OR SOMETHING!  QALOO QALA!

ZEITGEIST-SURFING IDEA #3: In a shocking turn of events, JBL finally admits to being homosexual and marries longtime pounder of ass (not my term, believe me) Faarooq.  This does not have any real effect on JBL’s character, apart from him hogtying Matt Hardy more often.  Not to be outdone, Chris Masters marries a picture of Lex Luger.

ZEITGEIST-SURFING IDEA #4: Trevor Murdoch hints at being homosexual due to him identifying with a character in the film Brokeback Mountain.

Wait, WWE is actually going through with this angle.  Sorry.

ZEITGEIST-SURFING IDEA #5: Edge wants to become a member of Canadian Parliament.  He runs in a Mississauga riding independently, offering a unique program to counteract gun violence in Toronto.  Each person can exchange his/her gun for five minutes alone with Lita.  This campaign is in fact an excuse for Edge to hit Paul Martin and Stephen Harper with the briefcase he’s always carrying for no adequate reason.  The campaign never actually goes anywhere and Edge ends up on the ballot below Marxist-Leninist candidate L. Dandee.

For some reason, a cage match and Shawn Michaels will also feature.  Don’t ask me why, they just will!

Tasteless?  The WWE has a dog on the Raw roster.  A woman with a giant tumour-like mole on her face is currently being terrorized by a worm-eating, clock-holding “supernatural creature” (actually, a black man going through Papa Shango’s motions.)  Five balaclava-wearing Muhammad Hassan sympathizers choked The Undertaker with piano wire once.  This is Vince McMahon’s company, after all.  It’s too bad WWE can’t spike the buyrates with decent product, but that’s probably why I’m not in the wrestling business.  I’m a filthy mark, after all.

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