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Xbox Review: Black

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Things in life I learned from Black:

1. Terrorists take at least 150 rounds (not exaggerated) to die unless shot directly in the head.

2. Hit detection is unimportant. Hence, headshots will always occur randomly.

3. First-person shooters like Black don’t need mutli-player because Chuck Norris said so.

4. When going to a funeral, beware of the explosive and clearly marked red barrels scattered around the cemetery. Aunt Edna did not want to be cremated.

5. It’s a good idea to hype your game’s destruction engine even if it was done better with real game play implications years ago in Red Faction.

6. If red barrels are on backorder, be sure to stash explosive ammo crates throughout your base to ensure spectacular entry from Black Ops teams at the cost of 20 human lives.

7. Doors don’t have doorknobs because they’re made to respond to shotguns and grenades only. Duh.

8. It’s always a good idea to take a defensive position on top of an oil tanker. You’ll get the best view from there when it explodes.

9. Secondary objectives are actually primary objectives in disguise.

10. When beginning a terrorist organization, ensure that you only recruit five types of members who regenerate themselves as needed. Anymore decreases the amount of repetition, and who would want that?

11. Pistols are always the most powerful weapons available.

12. It’s a good thing important paper maps and documents can survive a rocket launcher attack. Shame the same thing can’t be said for fireproof safes.

13. Two foot ledges leading to your next objective are insurmountable obstacles.

14. Black Ops agents are not able to jump. Laying prone isn’t in their skill set either. Sex for them must be a bitch.

15. Grenades can only blow up walls that are specifically made to do so.

16. Unskippable cinematics in a straightforward action game are a good idea.

17. Enemy soldiers are not able to figure out what happened when the guy standing next to them is shot to death. Use this to your advantage in battle.

18. Bass in every video game should be so loud as to potentially cause damage to the player’s equipment. Anything that fails to blow up a new sub is not designed properly.

19. Mines are to be laid out in plain sight and in a specific order so they may be exploded in order like dominos. It looks nice for company.

20. Enemy bases must contain at least 3,000 explosive objects. Any less would be uncivilized.

21. War is hell, especially when the government will only issue the good weapons when you’ve completed a mission on its hardest level.

22. Glass is bullet proof where necessary.

23. Be wary of black voids. They apparently contain some unseen enemy replication plant in which a group of underpaid Chinese midgets give birth to adult clones.

24. Restarting missions because of a lack of decent checkpoints is worth a $40 investment.

25. Dying is an agonizing process, and not because of pain. Imagine hearing your heartbeat monotonously as a warning of your impending doom as if the health meter in front of your face wasn’t enough indication.

26. Showing off when reloading a weapon is far more important than staying alive.

27. Dead people poop out health packs.

28. Squad members shoot blanks and always aim for the guy furthest from them.

29. Magical doors that were nowhere to be seen a second ago always appear to trap you inside a room to ensure you’re not sneaking off to grab any of those silly health packs you missed.

30. Black is a really, really, really, really, stupid video game.

Black is a rated M (Mature) by the ESRB Violence, Language. This game can also be found on: PS2.

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About Matt Paprocki

Matt Paprocki has critiqued home media and video games for 13 years and is the reviews editor for Pulp365.com. His current passion project is the technically minded DoBlu.com. You can read Matt's body of work via his personal WordPress blog, and follow him on Twitter @Matt_Paprocki.
  • http://www.njiska.com Jason “Njiska” Westhaver

    Hahaha, nail hit on head.

  • sal m

    black sounds like another example of a game falling woefully short of the expectaions set by the gaming industry’s hype machine.

  • http://draven99.blogspot.com Chris Beaumont

    “27. Dead people poop out health packs.”

    That is hilarious!

  • Dave

    For a game to be so very much into realism, Matt Paprocki has listed all the things us Black players have been thinking for 20 hours or so of gameplay. The player’s vision goes so far as to lose focus when you pull his gun up to reload but you can shoot a man roughly 20 – 30 times in the crotch and he will still stand freely!!??
    Still, i will persist going for unlocking Black Ops, assuming something is going to change. God help me if its a couple of new weapons.