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Xbox 360 Review: X-Blades

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Women, men don’t understand you. From the male perspective, it is not hard to understand why.

For instance, why would a woman choose to wear a thong (one which doesn’t even lift above the tip of the crack) and some chaps to fight the army of the undead? Do you wake up in the morning, browse your available wardrobe, and think, “I’m sure the undead will appreciate this Hilfiger thong and chaps set. I’ll wear that to the office today.”

In other words, the next time a man seems confused by your thought process, just remember there’s a chance he has played X-Blades.

Besides the clothing problems, here is a woman (named Ayumi) who talks like a teenager that has recently had her texting privileges revoked. Her whiny high-pitched voice only makes her want for some goofy jewel more irritating, especially when it unleashes a swarm of hell beasts on humankind. WTF? LOL!

Ayumi has no middle ground. The second you push the analog stick forward, her barely covered rear takes off at full sprint. She accelerates faster than most cars. In other words, she is either on or off.

Sure, this girl can fight, whipping around her dual blades (Nariko, is that you?) to wail away at her enemies in admittedly convincing melee combat. She can also dual-fire her pistols (Lara, is that you?), although this eliminates much of her otherwise uncontrollable agile movement. She also some magic powers beginning with fire (Tyris Flare, is that you?), almost impossible to use since the targeting system likes to lock onto enemies across the stage and behind a wall (Lara, is that you?).

That’s no fault of the level design, because the game has none. Instead, X-Blades is broken up into sections, small arenas that typically have a set number of enemies to destroy. The change of scenery is like a woman who constantly has to move the furniture around because she’s tired of looking at it. It is irritating and unnecessary.

X-Blades also sets up numerous frustrating challenges to prove its worth, including swarming enemies that overwhelm the player while the camera has a seizure. Since enemies rarely stop spawning, this obviously representative of a woman constantly expecting the man to do more work despite making the money at his job.

All of this concludes this game was obviously created by a woman looking to get her own frustrations out about past relationships… what’s that? This was designed by a man? Oh dear god.

In that case, scratch everything. X-Blades is even worse than previously thought.

X-Blades is rated M (Mature) by the ESRB for Blood, Suggestive Themes, Violence. This game can also be found on: PS3, PC.

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About Matt Paprocki

Matt Paprocki has critiqued home media and video games for 13 years and is the reviews editor for Pulp365.com. His current passion project is the technically minded DoBlu.com. You can read Matt's body of work via his personal WordPress blog, and follow him on Twitter @Matt_Paprocki.
  • Toni

    This game sucked beyond all suckage. Never have I wanted a character that I was controlling to die.