Did you know that in nearly every lobby you jump into on Xbox Live, Dick Marcinko is playing? It is an impressive feat, as this former Navy SEAL and author is able to play countless games at once, and in each, cursing like the world’s most vulgar idiot. He’s that racist guy you try to mute all the time as well, telling Russians they have a small penis with all the ferocity of someone who enjoys burning crosses in their front yard each weekend.
That, or maybe a lot of people take after this guy, who despite bravely serving our country, will apparently okay anything with his name on it.
Rogue Warrior is a disaster of dated design, apparently trying to bring out stacks of ‘80s action movie clichés. You half expect Ivan Drago of Rocky fame to pop out as a boss character given all of the Russian hate being strewn about.
If he did, at least he would break Marcinko with his steroid-induced fists ending this travesty early. Then again, at around four hours, the pain doesn’t last long.
Players control Marcinko, and if this game is supposed to resemble him, he must have the uncanny ability to keep his own body at a frame rate somewhere around 25 frames per second. Plus, when more than three enemies appear, he can move with the invisible grace a ninja, dropping his frame rate down to around 10.
He must not be particularly accurate though, as his guns love randomly passing through people without doing damage. Even better, enemies can shoot through solid brick walls as if some programmer didn’t design something correctly.
Maybe that’s why Marcinko is such a force in hand-to-hand combat them. His sluggish shooting skills betray him, so walking up to someone and stabbing them in the back four times gets the job done. Thankfully, this racist portrayal of Russians makes them out to be so stupid (or deaf), they don’t hear a guy being flipped head over feet onto the platform below. Oh, and they always walk in predictable patterns too, just in case the higher-ups see them off their marks.
Marcinko might be proud of his multiplayer accomplishments, or at least if online first-person multiplayer was a reality back in the ‘80s. Weapons spin around on the ground waiting to be picked up, something that initiates flashbacks of Doom. Lag, along with the frame rate, add a kitsch dial-up feel to the game, something few modern titles could attest to (or would ever want to). In that regards, Rogue Warrior is a resounding success, and if you don’t want to go through the trouble of hooking up your X-Band modem, then developer Rebellion and Dick Marcinko have done you a grand favor.
Rogue Warrior is rated M (Mature) -as if anything here actually showed any level of maturity- by the ESRB for Blood, Intense Violence, Strong Language. This game can also be found on: PS3, PC.