Members of Panawave Laboratory, a doomsday cult based in Japan’s Fukui Prefecture, are hard at work preparing for The End of the World, forecast to occur on May 15th by their ailing 69-year old leader, Yuko Chino.
Just how is the world going to end… this time?
Chino, in what she called her final statement issued on May 5, cryptically said, “It will be caused when electromagnetic waves strike the Japanese archipelago and the delicate gravitational balance between the Andromeda nebula and other nebulas is altered.”
I, for one, am glad Chino cleared that up. Damn those wacky planet-destroying nebulas anyway!
Wearing their trademark white garments, because as everybody knows white cloth “shields” one against “harmful electromagnetic waves”, the insularly group is spending their final days both in preparation for the end and keeping those darn waves at bay until it comes.
Wouldn’t you know it; I only have blue sheets at home. No wonder I’ve been feeling so woozy lately.
For the next week, Panawave Laboratory members will be:
1. Wrapping trees near their camp in white cloth to deflect electromagnetic waves that they claim have made their leader ill.
2. Keeping police at bay by using mirrors as “shields”.
3. Parking their traveling caravan of white vans along Japanese roadsides. At least until the locals ask them to leave, then call the police when cultists don’t drive away. After a fierce “mirror battle” with authorities, the cultists will travel on – always searching for that one prime spot of Japanese real estate where electric pylons, which emit lethal leader-killing electromagnetic waves, aren’t found.
4. Constructing dome-like structures in Oizumi, Gifu Prefecture, which is the only type of homestead that can withstand up to 15M earthquakes and earth-ending changes in the planet’s axis.
5. Selling the populace on dome-living. Asking price per dome is rumored to be million yen each. Hey, it may not have a big backyard or even running water, but it IS Armageddon-Proof!
6. Buying plenty of bleach and doing one helluva load of laundry. You can’t very well protect yourself from those harmful electromagnetic waves if your whites become dingy.
And, just for fun, some members are addressing what leader Chino called “the most important issue at the moment”: – to save “Tama-chan,” a stray bearded seal that now lives in a river in Saitama Prefecture.
Some Panawave members believe that “rescuing” Tama-chan will spare mankind from certain destruction on May 15.
For my part, since learning the world will be ending in about a week, I’ve quit my job and sold my home. I plan to spend my final days getting really really drunk and having lots and lots of sex.
So they better not save that seal, or I’ll be rather pissed. Not so pissed that I’ll negatively impact the nebulas to the point of world destruction – after all, only a stray seal has that kind of power – but pretty pissed off nonetheless. Not to mention having one heck of a hangover on the morning of May 16th.
Hey, I STILL haven’t forgiven Elizabeth Claire Prophet for convincing me to do pretty much the same thing back in 1989. Insert “ha ha” here.
So prepare yourselves, great unwashed masses — for the world ends next week. And YOU may die!