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World Series Game 4: God Must Want St. Louis To Win For Some Reason

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Tigers in 5. Look back before the World Series and several analysts will tell you "Tigers in 5."

Well, they might be right. The Detroit Tigers may play five games in the World Series. Thing is, the champagne will not be poured on each other's heads like Ted Striker with a drinking problem, but rather poured into their gullets.

The St. Louis Cardinals are one game away — yeah, those same 83-win, one-game-from-missing-the-playoffs, Isringhausen's-arm-turned-into-taffy Cardinals — from a World Series championship after winning a rather bizarre Game 4, 5-4.

Detroit was actually up 3-0 early thanks to Sean Casey's solo home run and RBI single, as well as Ivan Rodriguez breaking his 0-for-something-embarassing slump in the World Series with an RBI hit of his own.

I'm fairly certain at some point thereafter I said, "Finally. The world makes sense again."

This seemingly innocent comment was then urgently relayed up to heaven, where God's direct phone rang. It was the watchman.

God, Whose Fault It Is"God," the man cried, exasperated. "We've got horrible news from the ground!"

"What is it?" the well-groomed, all-knowing man said. He took a sip of his brandy. "What was so important that you had to interrupt me during The Office?"

"It's Matt Sussman," the watchman said. "He's figured out the world and all its intricacies. This is no good at all. He'll doom the entire race!"

"Oh, shit," God said. "He'll figure out the Contra-like code that gives you 50 lives. Yes, I'll think of something quick. Thanks, Chad."

So in all his splendor, He decided to make Curtis Granderson slip in the seventh inning.

Granderson, Seen SlippingHaving already tacked a couple runs in the game, the Cardinals led off the seventh inning with a double by David Eckstein, thanks to Granderson slipping on the slick grass during his canter toward the ball's eventual resting spot. The ball struck the ground with such awe that it dislodged everything I thought I understood about the world.

Then So Taguchi laid down a bunt to move Eckstein to third. Pitcher Fernando Rodney fielded the ball barehanded and — before he threw — God decided to not only confuse me, but make me forget things I had already known. And then Rodney threw the ball over first baseman Sean Casey's head. Eckstein came in to score and tie the game at 3-3. I immediately forgot everything about fifth grade. How the hell do people perform long division?

With Taguchi at second base and two outs, the Tigers coolly walked Albert Pujols with first base open. Rodney then struck out Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen in succession. Almost out of the inning, Preston Wilson came to bat and laced a single through shortstop.

"That'll teach him," the Lord said. "Now then, I've already missed enough of Grey's Anatomy. Wait, why do I care about missing it? I already know how this one ends!"

The next inning, however, the Tigers were able to tie the game on Brandon Inge's double, plating Ivan Rodriguez, and tying the game 4-4.

And the world made … no, I didn't say it. I caught myself.

"Darn straight," the bearded man said. "And to make sure you never think you know …" the Cardinals took the lead in the bottom of the eighth on Eckstein's third double of the game, this one wicking off a diving Craig Monroe's glove. The Cardinals' 5-4 lead stuck, and put them a game away from their first championship since '82.

I could point out the last time the Cardinals had a 3-1 lead in the World Series was 1985, when they dropped the next three games to the Kansas City Royals. And I could mention the Cardinals also had a 3-1 lead in the '68 World Series before ultimately losing to the… Tigers. But I won't, for I'm afraid the man upstairs will take away my motor skills.

Annd nnonabodddy wllill waaannt tahaat rtoo hapnn trtotooo meaeee

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About Suss

  • Mark Saleski

    most boring world series ever.

  • Donnie Marler

    LOL. Scrappy (Eckstein) had a heck of a game didn’t he? It ain’t over til’ it’s over, bud. I sure don’t consider it a sure thing. I’ve seen too many games this year to do that.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    Remind me again of how may countries take part in this “world” series of yours?

    Har Har!

  • Mark Saleski

    the only one that matters. har har!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Saleski,

    (Sues sappy organ music)

    So you’re team’s been knocked out. Big deal! You’re still a fan of baseball!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    (Then cues it after winning the lawsuit vs. the organ)

  • Mark Saleski

    yes, mr. lasorda.

  • Donnie Marler

    Oh’, just to pick at you, Matt. Rodney didn’t throw the ball over Casey’s head, he threw it over Polanco’s! lol.
    God wants us to win? Hmmm, let’s see now. Isringhausen hurt and can’t blow, I mean save, games. Yadi hitting. Wainwright is suddenly DoRight. LaRussa making like Solomon with the baby at decision time. OK! You might be right!!

  • Scott

    Worst ever? Hell, after the last couple of years I’m just happy to see it go past 4 games!

  • http://wp.blogcritics.org Justene

    Is there a REASON we still don’t tarp the outfield?

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joan Hunt

    you’re such a goof, Suss. Excellent recap. Makes me almost wish I were watching the World Series. Almost. Fortunately, I can count on you to fill me in.