One can never have enough sex in soccer, so I was
giddy fired up amused to find that Beate Uhse, a German erotic retailer, has launched a line of vibrators (along with other World Cup-themed merchandise) featuring various international soccer stars.
Three in particular – Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn of Germany, as well as English skipper David Beckham, are “represented” as Michael B, Ollie K, and David B… cute, huh? The red “Michael B” model is 16 cm long (6.3 inches) and costs £50; its ad claims: “The players’ muscular torsos arouse women’s fantasies. They dream about spending an hour between the sheets with their fantasy man.”
But you know something? They’re right! There is no way to blame Beate Uhse for marketing a vibrator in this fashion. No matter what you think about soccer players [if you're American male, something ending in -ussy is might come to mind], they have incredible bodies, great legs, and thanks to their intensity, never fail to impress in the bedroom… at least not that I’ve found. Plus, their extraordinary physical conditioning ensures a certain Energizer Bunny-type quality that leaves one worn out day after day. Associating a product with these types of men (especially when marketing to European women) is a genius move by the sex chain. Trouble is, Ballack, a recent Chelsea signing from Bayern Munich, and German keeper Kahn are seeking injunctions on the product.
According to Kahn’s laywer: “This is a clear violation of image rights. We will take action.” Ballack’s lawyer agreed, claiming that it was an objection to his client’s honor.
Pure bollocks, I say.
No soccer player has honor. “Honorable soccer player” sits in the same realm of oxymorons as military intelligence and jumbo shrimp. And while they may get on like diving, flopping, crying “gentlemen” on the pitch, they’re a bunch of twisted, dysfunctional slags off it. So all I can assume is Kahn and Ballack’s injunction isn’t the result of a damaged sense of honor. This is a pursuit that revolves solely around money and reputation. The simple fact is that their precious egos are bruised by being associated with a 6.3″ (16 cm) piece of work; a size that is more than sufficient for a good time.
Had Beate Uhse introduced the 9″ Ollie K with attachments, rechargeable batteries, lube, and a multiple orgasm guarantee, Kahn would have sanctioned an autographed “limited edition” to be sold in his honor. And his cheesing, brutish face would have been on the bloody box complete with two thumbs up and some quote like “Now you can take ME home!” Bah.
I’m not much of a legal type, so I don’t know if the request for injunction will be approved. The surnames of the players aren’t used, the “products” aren’t fashioned after the players’ bodies in any way, and as far as I can tell, no pictures of the players are associated with the marketing.
But if Kahn and Ballack’s request is granted and Beate Uhse has to cease and desist with the soccer vibrato, fans interested in “support-minded” pleasure can happen over to various English shops that are selling the “Victory Vibe.” According to the website, it’ll keep the ladies left at home during the World Cup shouting, “Goooooooooooooooooooal!!”
My God. Something about that is just so, so wrong. That said, with Wayne Rooney’s likely absence, the English will need something to keep their spirits up.