Text to follow along if you wish is below…
Love, suddenly the days turn dark and I am at a loss. I find myself holding pillows to my chest and rocking back and forth thinking only of the cat who died but one week and whose gentle tap-tap of footstep I miss. Each time I think of it, an alligator tear drops and the heart drops a little. This pervasive melancholy. We wake in the dark, we return in the dark. In the summer, all things are light, even making love just as the sun sets at 9pm. Winter offers none of this. Just the chill and clack clack of the maple trees branches that stretch, long fingers reaching over the house, a real winter clutch that keeps me stalling, stalling or as we say, je cale. I always do – stall that is. Never quite knowing the bounds of when to finish. When the jig is up, I dance I dance I dance a whirling dervish but it means nothing. There will be no applause, I bore the audience to tears with my poor and sad performance, and trust me, it is a performance. This white-toothed smile, this shiny auburn hair that bounces as I walk, this hip-switch New York Stride so confident that heads turn – not because of great beauty, but because of some thing projected that even I do not know what. A friend writes notes and I write back cleverly he says “My dear, you have a natural knack for vengeance…” I wonder do I? Am I vengeful as an old testament god, full of lightning fingered fury as I carry out my wrath and all that boiled up energy – God YES it is true. Life ain’t so pretty when you look yourself in those lemon-lime eyes honey, no matter how pretty or hazel they may be.
Why then write to you? Why then all these poems when my pen lies idle, flat against the notebook as it has for days, unable to make any mark that is worth noting. Because the day demanded it and tea got cold and I miss the cat horribly and I fear for my own sanity in these bleak and dark days because everyone says “reach out” which is such shit, but you do it anyway just in case, just in case and besides – a poet always writes an interesting response.
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