Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the scariest movie to ever come screaming out from the yawning pits of hell. Why? Two Words: Oompa Loompas.
Those little midget bastards haunt my dreams. Oh, the movie starts out innocently enough. “Oh, look at all these children! They just want yummy good candy. Let’s sing a nice, cheerful song.”
Oh yeah, the Candyman Can all right, but he can’t foretell what nightmarish insanity awaits the innocents in Willy Wonka’s Chamber of Horrors. The impressionable six year olds in the theater laugh and cheer at the good natured Candyman, who mixes it with love and makes the world taste good. But that candy holds a dark, deadly secret: It’ll sour your stomach with poisonous images dropped from the imagination of a twisted, LSD trippin’ Demon.
Oh, here are the other little kiddies who want the Golden Ticket. Veruca Salt wants it now! She’s a babe who got goosed too early in the film. But we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves now, aren’t we?
Poor, poor Charlie. He’s a good kid who lives in either Britain or America or some country with shabby automobiles. It might be Britain, but everyone talks like a farmer from Kansas (thank god they didn’t do the soundtrack). He wants that Golden Ticket oh, so bad. If he only knew what freakish monsters lurked within Willy Wonka’s Charnel House.
So now everyone’s got their Golden Tickets and they’re happy. Why here comes Gene, bumbling down the carpet. Good, good Gene. He’s a kind man. A good man. Friend to Children everywhere. What wondrous adventures will he take us on? What yummy delights await within his Gingerbread House?
No sooner are we inside the House of Wonka and the tripping begins. My god, those are hands for hat racks! What? This is getting creepy. Small hallways, annoying people, headache-inducing wallpaper, but there it is! A river of chocolate! Candy plants! It’s heaven!
How the hell did that door get so big?
It won’t be so bad, after all. Why, we can spend the rest of the movie just playing and eating and frolicking in Paradise. It’s not soon after the demons arrive and the carnage begins in earnest. Holy Shit! That tubby kraut kid’s stuck in the tube! Save him! Get him out of there! Poor Gloop. Wonka, Saviour of Children everywhere, release Tubby from his plastic encasement! Swoosh! The kid’s gone.
Wonka has killed. He will kill again. The six year olds in the theater sit in stunned horror, gazing upon Gene’s malevolent grin. The parents are laughing. They’re in on it. Sweet merciful heaven, a murder’s been committed! Somebody call the police! The Oompa Loompas begin thier cultish chant, cursing Gloop to the confines of their hell. I wish the Vermicious Knids of their world had finished off the Loompa Menace before they could perpetrate their devious schemes on the good children of our land. Die, Oompas, Die!
Now we’re getting on a boat. Hey, it’s just like the river ride at the fun park. Everything should be better now. Gene said so. We enter the dark tunnel. Scary images flash on the screen as Gene begins his incantations to the infernal minions of hell.
“There’s no way of knowing, which way we are going…”
Fucking hell, Gene, shut up! You’re freaking me out, man. Stop the ride, you evil bastard! Please god, make the movie stop!
“But the rower’s keep on rowing! And they don’t show signs they’re slowing!”
The first images to assault my mind after recovering from unconciousness are those red faced savages singing their dirge for the Blueberry Girl. The mind of a child can only take so much before it is numbed into a catatonic stupor. The rest of the movie flows on, killing off the children one by one. Charlie has a close call with a ceiling fan, Poster Girl Veruca Salt gets the shaft, Mike TV gets his own show and the Oompa Loompas continue their orgy of death.
By the end of the movie, Charlie too has been broken down and brainwashed by the indescribable horrors of Wonka’s Hell. Gene successfully turns Charlie to the Dark Side for the purpose of continuing his evil work of cultivating the Demon Horde of Oompa Loompas. We’re supposed to be happy for Charlie and his newfound role as Inheritor of Darkness, but he’s one stranger I won’t be taking candy from.Powered by Sidelines