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Will Jesus see his shadow?

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Easter is upon us once again. Spring has sprung, and all the little girls will be out in their new Easter outfits heading for church to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. I haven’t been to church for awhile, so my understanding of the Easter protocols may be a little rusty.

Anyway, on Easter Jesus comes out of the ground. Then the preacher tells us if Jesus saw his shadow. If Jesus sees his shadow, then we all burn in hell for six weeks. [It’s generally not much of a surprise; the answer is almost always “YES”.]

Then we kill and eat Jesus. This sounds bad, but it’s okay- he likes it. “Take, eat- this is my body.” It’s some kind of masochistic thing. Only you just eat a little bit of him, cause he has to last so you can eat a little of him each Sunday until he rises again next Easter. Hey, it’s better than killing the cute, fluffy little Easter bunny who brings you eggs and candy and pretty bonnets instead of sending you to hell.

Exactly who kills Jesus seems to be kind of an open question. It used to be that the Jews killed Jesus. Christians like Jews now, however, so somebody else has to kill The Savior. Saddam Hussein was going to carve the turkey, but he’s busy roasting in hell now. Kinky Friedman thinks it was Santa Claus. Others blame the Palestenians. Personally, I think it should be the North Koreans.

You never get filled up on Jesus though, so then everybody goes to grandma’s for a nice ham and some of those Easter eggs. It’s all good.

Then it’s Monday again, so we all forget about this story book stuff and go back to work and reality. Fortunately we have more sense than to really believe all of our mythology.

This is as opposed to some other people around the world- many Muslims, for example- who really take their own brands of foolishness to heart. This causes no end of grief for them and the rest of us. The world would be so much more pleasant to live in if they would just learn the joys of Santa Claus and Easter bunnies.

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  • andy

    As a Christian I probably should be really offended by the blasphomy that has just taken place…..

    but I’m too busy laughing

  • Hey, I think I see some sunbeams shining through those holes.

    (Added: Hey, Peter, I can see your house from here.)

  • Al,

    Would I be wrong in imagining that, in real life, whether you’re in your usual bellicose mood or simply trying to be witty and amiable, your look never changes — blood pressure still remains sky-high, eyes still burn with coals of hatred, and people still take their hankerchiefs out to wipe the spit off their faces?

  • Brilliant!

  • shawn

    Wow. A spiteful atheist. What a breath of fresh air.


  • Mileage varies. I’m a Christian and found this hilarious.

  • Just thought I’d take this opportunity to use the comments to dredge this happy little holiday post up to the top of the heap again for a minute.

  • Roger

    I come to expect stupid remarks like this post from an alter-ego having Jew ridden web-site. Nothing against Jews, just this stupid ones on here.

    However, I’m a Christian so you’re forgiven.

  • bhw

    I spit out some coffee when I read the title. Very funny, and I don’t even have a “Jew ridden” web-site.

    Since Jesus was a Jew, I think he’d approve if I did, though.

  • Roger

    I think what it boils down to is that Al is jealous because he didn’t get to wear a dress, Easter Bonnet and hunt eggs.

    I wonder if he saw his shadow? I Doubt it. He probably can’t even see his own dick…

  • Shark

    Another plus to the Eucharist:

    Jesus is low carb!

    (good one, Al.)

    PS: Should I go ‘resurrect’ my “Peeps” entry? Or is that beneath me? Someone… help!

  • bhw

    Gimme the peeps!

  • Goodness Roger, but you’re awfully hostile over some fairly mild humor. Plus, do you think Jesus would appreciate your anti-semitic attitude and general hatefulness?

    I’m flattered that you apparently think me to be Jewish, but I must confess to being a plain old German-Irish-Kentuckian.

    Also, if you get past your sense of offense for just a moment, you might see that this is not really anything particularly anti-Christian. I’m taking a perfectly benign and even appreciative (if non-believing) outlook on Christianity.

    The point would be, re-capping the last two paragraphs of the story, that it’s a good thing that we take our Christian heritage and beliefs somewhat lightly, avoiding ugly crusades and such. It is no more anti-Christian than anti-Jewish or anti-Muslim.

    Finally, peeps are OK, but I prefer the Reece’s peanut butter eggs. I suppose the peeps are funnier to write about, though.

  • Roger

    I have nothing against Jews much less be anti-semitic. “Just the stupid ones on here” I think I stated. I’ll admit I don’t like remarks you call sense of humor made about Jesus Christ.

    Futher I didn’t say that you were Jewish did I? As far as your heritage the latter of the three, Kentuckian would be a perfect fit. Aren’t all Kentuckians related to each other, aka incestians. I think statement #10 is what is botherong you. I bet being a Kentuckian you probably secretly tried on a dress and easter bonnet.

    There’s not much left in Kentucy. One Basketball team was all they had at one time. Football and Womens Basketball is a joke.

  • Mna, i can’t believe the blasphemy on display here! Don’t you know what Mel Gibson did for you? You think he enjoyed making sure that Jim Caviezel’s nipples were half torn off and stuff. You think Mel Gibson just shrugged his shoulders and then all that stuff happened? No! Mel Gibson made Braveheart for you, how dare you blashpheme. You can take our holiday, you atheist blashpener, but youll never take our freedom! In this case, the freedom i refer to is the freedom to do as Mel Gibson says. Mel Gibson suffered for you, and you should be more grateful. Hail Mel.

  • Roger

    Hail to Mel and Brave-Fart. Have ever divine mercy on Al and all Kentuckians. Ooo wee, Kentucky!!! Blessed be the Race Horses and their castrated dicks Al loves so. And Tubby Smith and,and, I’m drawing a blank… What else is there to say about Kentucky???

  • So, do you think Jesus will see his shadow this year?

  • gonzo marx

    aww..c’mon Al..i personally think you “nailed” it..

    but don’t get “hung up” on the whole easter thing, ya know?

    as to the whoel shadow thing..we will see when the stone is rolled, won’t we?