Dateline: Yokohama, March 2, 2006
Where've you been, many have asked your intrepid reporter. Well, I've been working on the railroad, all the live long day. And a quick stop in Yokohama to see how my friends, John and Betty Abernathy are doing teaching Dutch to Japanese who think they're learning English. Oy, are the Japanese in for a surprise when they come to the U.S. But the news awaits… as it always does.
They're our troops? They deserve the best we can scrounge up. The bodies are continuing to fall in the latest Bush scandal regarding the treatment of veterans at Walter Reed Medical Hospital. Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey abruptly stepped down just hours ago, but, in truth, it wasn't so much stepping as getting thrown down the stairs. But, not to worry, Bush is setting up a bipartisan commission to look into the treatment of war vets. The fact that complaints have been made by fairly senior D.C. know-it-alls for the past three years hasn't been addressed yet.
Big deal. Here you've got a scandal the size of Missouri, and they fire a secretary. Typical. They need to go after generals, and morons such as Lt. Gen. Kevin Kiley, who took command when the scandal broke — this is the same putz who had earlier appeared to play down the problems at Walter Reed, where he was in command until 2004. Can this administration do nothing right? (Serious question. No rhetoric by your venerable reporter.)
We got us a new warhead design for the big ones. Today, the Bush administration dropped another bomb, announcing they'd selected a design Friday for a new generation of atomic warheads. This is important because we haven't had any new designs since the end of the Cold War nearly two decades ago. In trying to convince Congress that this is a good thing, one of the assurances given by defense officials was that the new warhead will not have to undergo actual testing.
Okay, your enterprising reporter admits the need of some assistance here. Congress says, "Hey, what's so good about these new warheads that the old warheads didn't have? And how do we know it?" Answer from Department of Defense (Motto: I Wracked Iraq) was, "Hey these are so good, we don't even have to test them. We're letting a computer do that for us with math and code and cool stuff like that."
Are they out of their fucking minds, your intrepid reporter asks with deep respect for the military's intelligence? We're going to replace all those aging nukes that we know could blow a hole in the earth as big as Jupiter with new bombs that haven't been tested. Call me crazy, but my sense of national security just dropped to the cellar. Where do they find these people? And why do we allow them to run our government?
Is nothing sacred any more? Nope. Presidential hopefuls Hillary (I Do Not Bake Cookies) Clinton and Barack Obama are hard at work in Selma trying to figure out how to out-Black the other one in the 40-year celebration of the famous march that eventually led to the passage of the voting rights act. But when it looked like Obama was climbing in the polls, Hillary pulled out the big gun — Billary, who's going to be joining her. Why are they doing this? Simple.
"This is an opportunity for her to show her respect for what was accomplished in Selma and the civil rights movement," said Mo Elleithee, spokesman for the Clinton campaign.
Jen Psaki, spokeswoman for the Obama campaign, said the senator — who was three years old when the historic march took place — wanted to make a "personal trip" to the famed civil rights site. "His hope is that this is not something that is overly politicized."
Obi Wan Obama, put a lid on your spokespeople. You don't want to overly politicize the event? Don't go. Send a postcard. "Hey, have a great parade, thinking of you, Obi Wan." Can you see Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and the other saints looking down and bursting out laughing, rolling around in the clouds with hysteria? I can.
What a great time to be an American. Or a Canadian. Or French or Dutch. But not a Lithuanian. This is so much fun. Who'll get us first? Marauding icebergs, fanatical inmates at Walter Reed, Billary and Hillary, or these new bombs that don't need testing?
Come on, one and all, even you Germans who still hate us. Stand up, put your left hand… no, your right hand… I forget… well, put something over your heart and sing along with your intrepid reporter that great American anthem from Country Joe and the Fish:
Well it's one, two, three, what're we fightin' for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam.
And it's five, six, seven, open up the Pearly gates.
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopie, we're all gonna die.
To which I can only add — In Jameson Veritas.