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Why The Moon Should Host The 2020 Olympics

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That was quite the rousing go-around for the 2016 Olympics! Congratulations to Rio de Janeiro. We all look forward to Dara Torres' fourth comeback. And I look forward to finally watching the Olympics live again. But something that's going to happen in seven years? That's old news. Let's look to the FUTURE!

In 2020, we're going to be in a very different world, yet some of our problems shall remain the same. Ten years from now, having a great city will not be enough. And that is why there will be no better host site for the Games of the XXXII Olympiad than our very own Moon.

No matter which venue you choose on Earth, there's always going to be a subset of people who are on the other side of the globe. But on the Moon … well, EVERYBODY can see the Moon. Nobody is left out.

You can't have a host city without, of course, some friends in high places. The Russians will also be 100 percent behind this. That way they can finally reach the moon as well. Backers could also include NASA, who are planning to colonize the moon by 2020. Bidding the Olympic Games will speed up the technology and funding for this project. That alone creates jobs without mentioning the infrastructure needed to set up the Olympic Village, stadiums, and intergalactic clean urine stations.

Okay, let's get past the whole economic thing. Let's talk about the beautiful, beautiful Moon. Crime rate? None. Poverty? None. Traffic? Not at all. Hunger? Hell, there's not even life there. Pollution? Unseen. (Okay, so there are a couple of abandoned cars laying around.)

Then consider the actual events. The competition will also be fiercer than anywhere else on this planet. With Moon Olympics, humans will finally be able to break Javier Sotomayor's 20-year-old high jump record of 7 feet, 11½ inches. Gymnasts will be able to pull off some incredible flips and twists, all to the tune of the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Every four years we gather as a world and compete at the highest levels, all the while celebrating our many storied cultures. It's about time we take this show on the road. Moon 2020!

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About Suss

  • Not to mention the opportunity to introduce some entirely new sports, such as low-gravity football, played on a field the size of Manhattan.

  • Matthew, how are the “runners” (my favorite sport) going to do on the moon?

  • Very poorly.

  • Good question. The 100-meter dash will be replaced by the 1000-meter Trampoline Stampede. Yes, for once people will try to capture the Tramp Stamp with pride.

  • Doug Hunter

    We’re not ready for the moon. I’m still trying to find out what ‘gay games’ are!

  • zingzing

    gee, doug. what do you think?

  • Doug Hunter

    An opportunity for GLBT athletes from all around the world to come together and display their athletic prowess and solidarity. What did you think I would think?

    I just find the name a bit humorous, like the word gay is describing the games instead of the athletes leading to the obvious question. I’m certain someone quickwitted could imagine several funny ‘gay games’.

  • zingzing

    have you ever heard of neil hamburger?

  • BigBadJohnny Lake

    One guy through a discus and they still are waiting. And watch out for orbiting javelins!

  • You may be right. The field events would be inconclusive.

  • I totally agree and support the Moon’s bid to host the 2020 games 😉

  • this actually does beg a question:
    how, when colonized on different worlds, will we do the olympics fairly

    i mean, different training gravetees, record issues, etc.

  • There would probably have to be completely separate ‘Lunar Olympics’, ‘Martian Olympics’ etc, and all records set would be exclusive from those set on Earth.

    Because of the high gravity, people born and raised off-Earth would probably be unable to compete on the home world anyway.

    And you can bet your bottom dollar there will be a whole host of new sports that would be impossible to play on Earth.