Home / Why Straight Men Should Not Play Games With the Hearts of Gay Men

Why Straight Men Should Not Play Games With the Hearts of Gay Men

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I’m a guy. I like guys.

And you know what’s worse than when another guy who likes guys tells me he’s not interested? When a guy who likes girls tells me he’s not interested.

Let me flash back a little. Last spring, I found myself climbing a mountain with a few other guys and girls all roughly my age. Sa-weet!, right? Yes, sa-weet indeed. Then I found myself in the bathroom. And another guy from my hiking group happened to be in there as well.

A bathroom is a man’s shrine. It’s that one place where he holds intimate conversations with himself and his bowels. The sound of shit passing through his stomach and dropping into the commode and the sound of a good heave after a good shit are sounds that are best coupled with silence and nothing else. But enter this other guy from my hiking group.

I hadn’t been eyeing him at all. In fact, I was oblivious to him until an instance arose in which he responded, “If I’m a girl, does that mean I can flirt with you?” when I, in a burst of fake bubbliness, squealed “Hey girls!” to a group of girls and him.

But you see, now imagine two men in adjacent stalls, both concentrating on expelling the contents of their stomachs into the commode. Now imagine the silence. Awkward stillness. Imagine the guy who was, hours earlier, joking about flirting with me, asking me if I was into men.

Now this was when I was in the infancy of my bisexuality. I was still, for the record, bi-curious. But then I started adding things up in my head. Perhaps he was hitting on me. Wait, this guy is hitting on me? Wow! Suddenly, I started looking at him in “that way” – that specific way reserved for looking at potential significant others or one-night stands. For this, I retracted my “No” and said “Kinda, sorta.”

Of course, when asking for a follow-up the next day, this guy told me, “Well… it was a joke.”

When asking for a follow-up months later because, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes the heart has problems letting go, he told me, “It’s a case where I felt you weren’t opening up to me or anyone really so I wanted to get to know you. So I asked you a fast question in a weird situation.” Cunning, really.

I’ve told a few of my friends (gay men and straight girls alike) about this anecdote and the consensus has been that this guy is desperately in the closet and in denial of the slightest possibility that he might be interested in the opposite sex.

There never was closure. Afraid of any kind of remote substantial friendship or something, this fella ran as fast as fast could possibly run. So now, in the off-chance I have a run-in with him, my heart flutters and then falls low enough to pierce the center of the earth.

And now, let’s relate all of this back to the question on hand: Why shouldn’t straight men mislead gay men?

In all fairness, this guy probably did not intentionally play with me, so much as act on his own fears of homosexuality. Perhaps he’s a closet-case. Perhaps he’s a homophobe. I have no idea.

I just know this: never ask a horny gentleman if he likes men while in the bathroom. The situation has “messy” written all over it — whichever way you choose to interpret it.

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About Rohin

  • Interesting…I think some people want to play with fire. My guess is he was interested, and it aroused him to come on to you, but he was not willing to go through with it (with all its implications.)

  • Leaving aside all questions of sexual orientation, whether repressed, closeted, or otherwise obscured, there is something seriously wrong with any man who wants to have conversations in the bathroom. Especially serious conversations. Even more especially in a bathroom that is in any way public.

    Maybe this is a cultural thing, but across the English speaking world, I get the impression all men have the same basic mission in a bathroom, which is to get out as soon as possible.

    In fact most men I know would never enter a bathroom in the first place if it weren’t for certain inescapable facts of biology and social etiquette.

  • Hey…not just men. I have a whole list of bathroom etiquette I believe in. #1 being, even if you recognize the shoes of the person in the next stall, you pretend like you are not aware of their presence. You hope they’ll ignore you as well.

  • bhw

    I get the impression all men have the same basic mission in a bathroom, which is to get out as soon as possible.

    Then why the hell do they bring reading material with them, even at work. I see guys at work all the time grab a magazine or newspaper and head on off to the head.

    And my father used to make a morning of it with the Sunday paper.

    What’s up with that?

  • i figure the bathroom is a hush-hush thing. but one of my best friends last year engaged me in discussions while we both took showers — since we were in the dorms and what-not and there were partitioned, private showers next to each other. it was weird…but i enjoyed breaking it down.

    but one should never ask about sexual orientation in the bathroom ’cause i think in the men’s room, everyone loves cock in one way or another.

  • Bennett

    Uhhhhh….. sure. Am I there yet?

  • Sometimes “get out as soon as possible” takes awhile, bhw. Like many other situations in life, the basic mission of the bathroom can fall prey to what the military calls “mission creep.”

    In such cases, some like to have a bit of reading material along to keep the mind occupied while the body does whatever it has to do.

  • bhw


    I guess having the paper helps keep you boys from writing on the walls.

  • I’m not sure he was straight or trying to play games with you, but it’s hard to tell I think without actually having been there. In instances like that, senses tell you everything (tremor in voice, body language, etc.)

    The rationale he used for approaching you the way he did, pretty much indicates he wasn’t straight. Since you all are so young, it’s likely he’s had nobody to educate him on the ‘social etiquette’ of reaching out to someone, or he had never reached out to someone before and was just terrified at doing so. In any case, he had some identity issues, that’s clear, and I hope he’s worked through them by now.

  • People shouldn’t play games with other people’s feelings. Sexual orientation shouldn’t matter.

  • Leon

    Hey, if you say no, its you who is running around pretending.

    What he did was quite alright.. asked and got an answer.

    You answered too, if you didnt like the question, dont answer it.