Yesterday's piece on the Rockies' special relationship with the Man Upstairs (no, not Norman Fell) caused a national crisis. Women rended their garments; men wept uncontrollably. How could it be possible that Our Lord and Savior would choose the li'l team from Denver over the Boston Red Sox? The protests could be seen on every major news channel.
Would you believe the blogosphere?
Would you believe this guy? (Hi there!)
Therefore, more research was undertaken. Charts were studied. Clergymen were consulted. Omens were portented. (Note to reader: get your omens fresh. Overripe omens do not portent well and leave a malodorous gift in your home that future generations will also enjoy.)
After all this hullabaloo, a small ray of hope shone through for Boston's finest. In the grand human hope of fair play (and the even more human attempt to cover all the bases when it comes to religion), here are 25 possible reasons God would put in a good word with Himself for the Red Sox to win the World Series:
Josh Beckett – If God don't like a huntin' n' fishin' good ol' boy that dates hot country singers and witches (but only on TV, promise), then God don't like nobody. Hell, God wishes he was Josh Beckett for a night or two.
Manny Delcarmen – Manny grew up in Boston, graduated from West Roxbury, and hosts more charity events than any other Red Sock, including (according to mlb.com) "…"Bowlin' Strikes for Schools" charity event at Ron's Gourmet Ice Cream and Bowling in Hyde Park, where Manny bowled as a kid." God wouldn't mind being Manuel for a few hours, either.
Eric Gagne – God will pass.
Jon Lester – If God lets the Red Sox lose the World Series, He's pro-cancer. There. It had to be said. God's not pro-cancer, is He?
Javier Lopez – Javier (Not Javy) Lopez used to play for the Rockies; God wouldn't move Javier from the World Series team and make him watch them win in person, would He? Of course not. When has God ever been cruel like that? (Right. Let's move on.)
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Boss George Bible: 1 John 4:9 – "In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Matsuzaka-san into the Harbor, that we might win through him."
Hideki Okajima – Boss George Bible: 1 John 4:10 – "When that went pear-shaped in September and October, God sent his newly begotten Okajima-san into the Harbor, that we might win through him instead. And don't mess it up."
Jonathan Papelbon – "The 2007 Red Sox were the best experience of my life. And now, they're all gone. And I miss every one of them. Why me? Why did I live so long? They're all dead… I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dancer!"
Curt Schilling – God wants Schilling to wear a iron-on photo of Him on his champagne-soaked T-shirt in the World Series champion locker room.
Mike Timlin – God and Timlin went to summer camp together, so He's kinda rooting for Li'l Mikey.
Tim Wakefield – Tim was their camp counselor. Unfortunately, throwing a baseball six billion times at a speed slower than an old lady on her way to Tuesday morning Latin Mass has left its toll on his shoulder; Tim is off the Series roster in favor of…
Kyle Snyder – …so don't screw it up, son; Ceiling God is watching you pitch.
Doug Mirabelli – How do you know Doug's important to the bigger plan? He got a police escort to Fenway Park. Only very important people get police escorts. Heck, Jesus never got police escorts. (Well, once.)
Jason Varitek – God's not immune to that granite chin or broad shoulders or that thick, sturdy trunk that helps him weather those long summer nights… what? God can't show a little pride in His work?
Alex Cora – God can't allow Joey Cora to have a World Series ring and not Alex. God always fought with His older brother, too.
Eric Hinske – God forgot there was a team in Canada still. His bad. Will a ring make it better?
Mike Lowell – Remember Lowell's miserable 2005 season? Remember how that got him traded to the Red Sox along with Josh Beckett? Who could have arranged that in time to get Lowell on this team to have his best seasons yet? Who could that be? Could it be… JESUS??
Julio Lugo – God has no comment.
Dustin Pedroia – Little-known fact: Every World Series champion has had a pocket-sized middle infielder with a heart of gold. This is a similar rule to the one that requires Julia Roberts' best roles to involve her playing a hooker with a heart of gold. God's just playing all the angles.
Kevin Youkilis – God's actually not too thrilled that Youkilis, the Greek God of Walks, wormed his way on the roster for the World Series. He doesn't need anyone reminding the world that polytheism used to be hip. Still, God's not gonna get uptight about it; God's an easy-going customer. We cool. We cool.
Coco Crisp – The Moose is a hitman for Satan. 'Nuff said.
J.D. Drew – World Series rings delivered by the Lord have the power to heal invalids. This will undoubtedly help Drew next season.
Jacoby Ellsbury – As the first Navajo major leaguer, a chance to hoist the trophy would be a nice make-good for being forced to endure being surrounded by 40,000 Cleveland fans completely devoid of irony.
Bobby Kielty – Sometimes it's important just to recognize the miracle of life itself and how much God loves all His children.
Manny Ramirez – Manny is God's reminder that there's more to His creation than the World Series. Still, God wants Manny to have another ring to put on his big toe.
David Ortiz – God likes messing with the sabermetric types occasionally, just to keep the mystery in life; Mr. Clutch is Exhibit A.
There you go, Red Sox Nation: 25(ish) reasons that God's rooting for you in October. As if the Yankees' offseason so far wasn't enough proof…