There has always been something charming about books to me — something glamorous and exciting. E-books have no such charm or glamour. Why throw out what isn’t broken?
I mean, we have been printing words on paper for over 570 years. Show a little respect, people. Gutenberg is probably rolling over in his grave the way we are shaming his invention. Whoever decided, “hey, let’s not print books anymore, let’s just put them in a digital format and suck the fun out of everything,” is a killjoy.
And, if any of you environmentalists come at me thinking you’ll convince me, “well, electronic publishing doesn’t use paper and saves trees blah blah bullcrap,” you’ve got another think coming. How about you get rid of automobiles first, and then you can try to take away my paper-bound books? Not going to happen.Books do not require batteries to read. What if you were stranded on an island and you only had your Kindle or Nook book? How long is that going to last you — one to two months? Or you could have not made that mistake and have traveled with a real book instead, which could last you a lifetime. What do you say… sounds better? Of course, it sounds better because it’s a real book and real books are awesome. I bet you Robinson Crusoe would have been pissed while shipwrecked on an island for 28 years with a Nook book.
You can read books on planes during the first 20 minutes of take off because they do not require an on off button. The first 20 minutes of a flight, which is the most dangerous part of the flight, is probably the time you want to be distracted. I mean, you’re only in a 735,000 pound death trap that could kill you and burn your entire body to smithereens — ouch! Might as well get a little bit of happiness in with a book before you’re “bye bye birdie.”
Real books come in a bookstore, and bookstores are awesome. You can grab a book from the store, flip through the pages, look at the cover, and see if it looks interesting enough. Bookstores — and even more awesome, independent bookstores — usually have people that can help you find the perfect book for your tastes, unlike massive chain stores that suck the souls out of their employees to turn a profit. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Joe Fox. How, could you destroy the Shop Around the Corner? Meg Ryan should have kicked your ass, you corporate sell-out — great movie, though.
The list continues. You can underline passages in a book. For the haters out there, don’t give me any crap about “oh well on the Nook book and Kindle you can underline passages and even highlight them too.” Well isn’t that nice? But it is not the same. I will admit, you electronic lovers, that it is nice to be able to click on what you underlined and go immediately there, instead of flipping through your book, not finding the specific passage, so then you resort to turning page after page to find it — cursing that you didn’t dog-ear the dang page. Electronic lovers, you have not won the battle yet. For it is actually a good thing to turn over all those pages because while you monotonously turn each page you can stumble upon other passages that you love.
An even lamer feature on e-readers is that they often have access to the internet. Well you know what? The internet is addicting. When is the last time you logged onto your computer and didn’t check Facebook or your email first? Never. I’m trying to read a dang book. Why would I want stupid things like technology distracting me? Exactly, I wouldn’t!
Real books are not fragile. Why is that relevant, you may ask? Well first of all, I am a passionate reader. I actually delve into the characters I read and immerse myself into their story. So if something happens to them, or the story takes a turn that infuriates me, for instance, last two chapters of Mockingjay — come on now, Suzanne Collins, did you die and have someone else finish your story? — then I can throw my book down in a fit of rage. Nook book would shatter into a million pieces and then start sparking and making weird noises and eventually probably burst into flames. Not cool, Nook book, not cool.
Here’s another scenario: Let’s say I own a Kindle. So I just read this amazing book, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It is imperative that I give it to all my friends to read. Oh wait, I can only share the book with one friend, and oh, guess what, you have 14 days to read it, or poof — sucks for you, the book is gone.
This scenario sucks because books are meant to be loaned out, shared, and passed around many times. Haven’t you ever been to a coffee shop that has a lending library? It is a magical place, where people donate one of their books, and then take a book in turn. How am I going to do that with an e-reader — here is my 200-dollar (Kindle Fire) read my book and return it to me. You have got to be kidding me.
If we are getting really crazy, let’s talk about a future scenario where there are no paper books anymore. All books are in electronic form. Consider the children, for goodness sake. You think teachers are going to read a children’s book and then slowly show to the class the tiny picture on the screen of a Nook book or Kindle? No, because that is the dumbest idea ever. Then there could be the argument “well, the book could be on a television screen to have a bigger picture.” I am about to throw a tantrum like a five-year-old.
What is the world coming to that would have children read television screens over paper books! This is a nightmare. If that ever happens, I am building a rocket ship and getting the hell out of this world. Maybe I will meet some aliens who are cool and read paper books.
Here is my last thought on why e-readers suck and paper books are awesome. If you have ever seen Beauty and the Beast, then you will understand my logic on this one. Remember the scene where Beast shows Beauty that library. Well that library is my dream. A room filled with the most imaginative characters and best stories since the beginning of time — rolling across the shelves on my ladder. I know it is the best dream ever.