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Why Does Jesus Email Me so Much?

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pope.jpeMoses had his burning bush. George W. had his enlightenment after years of alcoholism. The Lord does work in mysterious ways…. and I now believe he is calling to me via email:

FW: Proceed With Your Ordination
Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours

As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church! Perform Weddings, Funerals, and Perform Baptisms Forgiveness of Sins and Visit Correctional Facilities

Want to open a church? Check out Ministry in a Box

Press here to find out how.

Well thank you, God. You know I shun the phone and don’t get out much. Email was certainly the easiest way to find me (And I rent so lighting up a bush would have effected my security deposit.). I accept, I guess. I have to check with the wife first on sending you the cash. I think she has an eye on some lime green sandals. Maybe I could get sandals too as I preach your good word.

So now with my new religious leadership I must find a flock (Unfortunately even though your web page states “MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!!” I won’t be able to do that as I have no siblings and my best friends don’t like me in THAT way.).

I guess to get a flock I should buy the Ministry in a Box kit. I couldn’t find in the small print anywhere if this comes with an actual building for my services. Did Robert Schuller get his Crystal Cathedral this way?

I bet I need to raise funds too… how do I get one of those television shows?. I would prefer to have one with babes hotter than Tammy Faye… something along the lines of the “Juggies” of Man Show fame.

Can I serve more than wine? Is there an “Official Mixed Drink of Christ?” (Please don’t let it be the Bloody Mary! Please!)

I probably should start recruiting now, right?

Okay. So here goes. If you want to belong to my Church (denomination and beliefs as yet to be determined… maybe we could have a keggar to figure it out) please use my contact form and let me know that you are in. I bet this is how the Reverend Governor Howard Dean M.D. got started.

*Bri rambles about stuff like this often at www.brianlewandowski.com

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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About Brian Lewandowski

  • http://www.iamrighturpie.blogspot.com jadester

    alternatively, get a free ordination in the Universal Life Church
    (http://www.yourscidesigns.com/rev/)
    and you will be reverend! then you could charge to perform weddings, funerals, etc.
    Assuming the laws in your state/county/country allow for it
    (check the FAQ at http://www.nettally.com/hasmith/ulc/ulcfaq.htm)

  • http://macaronies.blogspot.com Mac Diva

    Thanks for giving me a laugh, Brian. I wish I could write something as funny about all those damn penis enlargement emails I get.