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White Athletes Are Different Than Foreign White Athletes

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A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:

Suss: Brian Kelly was introduced as the 31st head coach of Notre Dame football. When asked if he could wake up the echoes of glory past, Kelly became frightened, and immediately resigned. The school then promptly announced Egon Spengler as head coach.

Tuffy: The Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints continued their season-long unbeaten streaks today against Denver and Atlanta respectively. If these two teams meet in the Super Bowl, it may be the best collection of dome experts since Russ Meyer’s funeral.

Suss: Weeks before his appearance in the BCS Championship game, Alabama running back Mark Ingram won the Heisman trophy. He then appeared on the cover of both Sports Illustrated and Madden, but not before in his speech he tearfully thanked his childhood black cat and said he can’t wait for his team to go 13-0 and be drafted by the Cleveland Browns.

Tuffy: With only two months left until the Vancouver Winter Olympics, the Olympic torch winds its way through Canada on its way to the Opening Ceremonies. Demonstrations like those against the 2008 torch relay for the Beijing Games have not quite materialized, though concerns were raised briefly in Pembroke, Quebec, when a small group of Canadians rushed the torch. As it turned out, they were just trying to huddle around it for warmth.

Suss: Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard emphatically swatted away allegations stemming from a TMZ report that he is suing the mother of his child for $9 million. Unfortunately, he swatted the rumor into the third row, and TMZ re-gained possession of the rumor.

Tuffy: The New York Yankees failed to tender a contract to Chien Ming-Wang, allowing him to become a free agent after an injury-laden 2009 campaign. The press release from the Yankees organization was brief: “To Wang: Phooey! Thanks for everything” – Brian Cashman

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”

Lobbyist and former U.S. representative Chip Pickering, assaulting rival youth soccer coach

Robert Sormanti, the Patriots mascot, getting caught in a Rhode Island sex sting

Wayne A. Spring, a New Orleans Saints fan, who lost his flatscreen TV to a firing squad because he bet the Saints would lose to the Redskins

Michigan State running back Glenn Winston, et. al., again charged w/ assault at a frat function

The Chick Fil-A cow, for wearing a Tennessee #7 jersey during a Chick Fil-A Bowl public appearance, the same number as Nu’Keese Richardson, one of the players kicked off the team for armed robbery

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