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Where’s The Beef? The Answer: In Your Poop

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Pardon me, but I have to throw up before I start this post…

Okay, here are the horrifying details of a mad scientist given free rein to take human feces and conduct unsavory experiments on it. A Tokyo sewage plant literally had more crap than they knew how to handle. They were blessed with too much “sewage mud,” as they call it. So, they picked up the crap phone and called their friendly neighborhood poopologist and begged for him to take their shit. His name is Mitsuyuki Ikeda, and if not for the “d” in his last name, he would be designing crappy prefab furniture instead of working with actual crap.

Somewhere in his poop-riddled mind he devised an evil plan to turn this mountain of crap into a pile of meat. Meat! As in, food! As in, oh my god, I have to throw up again! And bonus, if I throw up in the toilet, there’s a chance it will congeal and meld with the sewage mud, which means if Ikeda has his way, I’ll have the opportunity to eat it again!

I ask you, is there no worse human being on the planet than Mitsuyuki Ikeda? Okay, so he’s trying to solve the world’s hunger problem. And yes, his crap concoction is reportedly as nutritious as beef while being lower in fat and ten times cheaper to produce than real meat. And, if it catches on, it will reduce the need for cattle and thereby lower greenhouse emissions. That’s all good stuff, and his intentions may be noble. But, I can’t stress this enough, it’s POOP!

The most bizarre element of this crap-to-meat saga is that this doctor of human waste found taste testers! People inexplicably volunteered to eat this stuff. Now, given that this story comes from Japan, they may have been game show contestants being tortured for ratings, but that doesn’t change the gag-inducing fact that human beings ate shit burgers in the interest of science. Their opinion? It tasted beef-like. As of this writing, there’s no word on whether or not they’ve developed Bubonic plague-like symptoms.

The lesson here? You may want to stick with sushi the next time you visit Japan.

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About R.W. Ridley