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When Birds Attack

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Out of all the things that could happen when you’re walking home from work, what do you think is the LEAST likely out of this list:

  1. Dog attack
  2. Splashed by a car
  3. Bird crapping on your head

Oh wait, is one of those choices highlighted? Yes, that’s right, highlighted. Why? Because it is so improbable that it is the obvious choice. Do you see where I’m going with this? Let me spell it out for those who missed it:

Walking home from work today, a bird crapped on my head

I’ll set the scene: I’m walking home from work, enjoying the nice day outside. It’s about a 15-minute walk from my work to my apartment, so it’s not too bad. I’d also like to point out that I usually snag a ride from my fiancé to and from work (feel free to boo me at this point, but it’s on her way).

Anyways, I’m strolling along like a sucker, about five minutes into my walk, when it happens. Now, it’s important to realize that when you get crapped on by a bird, you may not realize it immediately. It can almost feel like a drop of water hit you. The last thing you may think just happened is that you got crapped on. What are the chances, I ask you?

[ADBLOCKHERE]Back to the story, I get this feeling and the first thing I do is reach my hand up and see what’s going on. To my horror, it comes back wet and slimy. Oh yes, wet and slimy. Stunned, I keep walking. It slowly dawns on me what actually happened. If this has never happened to you, it’s pretty hard to describe how disgusting it feels. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Here’s the worst part: I work right outside of Washington DC, in a busy little town called Arlington. What does this mean? It means there were more than enough people to witness this having happened. Even better, I still had a good 10-minute walk ahead of me.

When something like this happens, it feels like everybody is looking at you even if they aren’t. Old ladies, babies, cab drivers — it felt like everybody knew of my misfortune. Waiting at a crosswalk became unbearable. I’m pretty sure I’ve never made it home faster than I did today. Needless to say, I washed myself as quickly as possible.

Do you want to know what the worst part is (nope, haven’t gotten to it yet)? The worst part is this is not the first time I’ve had this happen to me. When I was about 12, I was helping my dad work a sidewalk sale at our store and as I’m ringing up a satisfied customer, the same thing happened. Here’s my theory: I think the birds decided to lay low for a while just to throw me off my guard. Then, when I least expected it, they struck with quickness. What’s the solution? Obviously, I’m not going to divulge it on the Internet, as the sly bastards have spies everywhere. However, I will give you one hint: It involves a hat.

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About Kevin

Busy dad with a great four year old daughter and a wonderful wife. To me, fitness is not just a "me" thing it's a family thing. I want stay fit for both myself and so that I'm the best dad and husband I can be. I started FitDads to help other dads like myself be and stay fit, for their whole family.
  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    They didn’t have the air-raid sirens on for you? Negligent bastards…

  • Kevin Augustine

    Nope, no warning. It was a hit and run (or fly in this case).

  • sr


  • Kevin Augustine


  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Kevin, maybe I should talk to those birds and see if I can get them to join the IDF. Maize is a lot cheaper than jet fuel…

    CAW!!! CAW!!!

  • Kevin Augustine

    Lol =).

    I’m not sure they can be trusted. They could turn on you at any momement, just for the fun of it. That’s how evil they are =p.