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What’s the Matter with Massachusetts?

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Why is it when I watch political news, the conservative guy usually finds a way to make some passing and sarcastic reference to my home state of Massachusetts? Why is it that my former governor, now presidential candidate, Mitt Romney doesn't like to actually say the name of the state that elected him to office? We're always "where I served as Governor" or "back where I was in office", as if it was such a shitty post to be the governor of Massachusetts. Poor Mitt, had to slum it with those horrible liberals. Eat me.

Conservative politicians and the parasitic, political pundits like their straw men and scapegoats. They like to have an neat, little, packaged focal point of scorn for them to malign — Lou Dobbs has immigrants; Falwell had gays; and conservatives of any stripe have their beloved Massachusetts. In fact, they may appreciate my home state even more than I do, but just in case you are undecided, here's a few choice facts for any of you out there who are somehow under the impression that Massachusetts is something distinct from the America you love:

Hmmmm, where to start? Maybe with the fact that the damn Pilgrims landed the Mayflower on Plymouth rock (note: it did not land on them). And since the establishment of Massachusetts Bay Colony, I think there have been a few other mentionables. Let's see…do you like seafood? How 'bout lobster? Or Clam Chowder? You like those too? You're welcome.

Not patriotic enough yet? Well we also have a stellar line up of patriots: Benjamin Franklin, Emerson, Thoreau, Norman Rockwell (did you hear that. Norman friggen Rockwell. How much more American does it get?), Eli Whitney (try ginning cotton without Massachusetts.), W.E.B. DuBois, the J. Geils Band, Horatio Alger (this is getting unfair), and the "Block" where the "New Kids" were from is sitting nice and pretty in Massachusetts. Oh, I could keep going, but we "Massholes" were raised better than to brag. Oh wait, I forgot about some other patriots, The New England Patriots.

But what are these conservatives really scoffing at, it's our politics right? One would be led to believe that Massachusetts, overrun with liberals and progressives as we are, must be some lawless wasteland of vice and Un-American activity. I mean, we're the first state to provide marriage rights to homosexual couples, as we did in 2004; we just elected the 2nd black Governor in U.S. history; our U.S. Senators are John "hates the troops" Kerry and Ted Kennedy; and the man who has been my congressman all my life is none other than my favorite Barney Frank — he's homosexual, Jewish, and went to one of those elite schools called Harvard! How do people living in Massachusetts make it through the day alive?

Well it helps that we're 2nd in the country for per capita income, home to some of the top ranked public schools in the nation, and remain a bastion for people around the world seeking the best in education from the esteemed private schools and the over 40 universities in the Boston area. But, just in case you don't make it through the day in one piece, we are also the first and only state to mandate health care coverage for it's citizens. Doesn't really seem like such a bad place to live, considering the state legislative branch is made up of less than 13% Republicans.

So, the next time you put your John Hancock on something or hang a lantern in a church tower or dump a whole mess of tea in a harbor, show a little respect to my home state. And if someone asks you, "What's the matter with Massachusetts?", you tell them, "Absolutely nothing!". Say it again.

About CTD

  • Johnson

    miserable people, cheapstakes, bad weather, high taxes, white trash, academia nonsense, corruption/fraud, mean/rudeness, Mass is a DUMP.

  • LUISSS

    MASS is a dump. old shithole built by european waste dumped into this continent. I am originally from a “3rd world country”. I have to tell you that subway system and roads in my country make boston look like berlin after world war 2. Boston is a big nasty shithole under constant construction. everytime they build something it fails within a year. There is nothing good you can say about Boston. it really embodies the stupidity of americans. streets are full of mcdonalds trash. city was planned by mental retards on crack. it needs to be carpet nuked and then rebuild by europeans.

  • Sad America

    Massachusetts has good economical values but terrible social values. Living here for 22 years of my life, its sad how most of my close friends aren’t from this state because its so cliquey and snobby. We can talk all day about how important it is to help other people through taxes and public programs (which I agree with) but we don’t care one bit about helping people feel happy and accepted. What’s the point of life if you just get rejected everywhere you go. MA needs to learn some hospitality if you ask me.

  • Doug Hunter

    “Which is why, generally speaking, the general populations in the left-leaning states are FAR better off than those stuck in red states.”

    If they were so better off domestic migration wouldn’t be so strong from blue to red states. People vote with their feet, and their feet say they don’t like big government.

  • zingzing

    zingzing: “their feet say they don’t like big government.”

    or they just got a better job or moved in with someone or moved closer to their parents or something. there’s a lot of reasons why people move.

  • zingzing

    that’s odd… obviously wasn’t quoting myself.

  • Ran

    Don’t waste your breath. Arch conservatives are stupid people. End of story. *note proper spelling and punctuation. Educated in Massachusetts.*

  • bob

    Good God, living in Massachusetts sucks. The traffic sucks, the cost of living sucks, and the people are rude. A bit like Jersey, only with less ugly women. Jersey is definitely the worst state of them ALL.

  • yomama

    Lynn Lynn city of sin , won’t come out the way you went in!!