Good morning, sir, and welcome to Dunkin’ Dubya’s coffee shop. What can I do ya for?
Oh, you want to try some of our Sam Alito custom brew? That’s fine, sir — lots of people are wondering about that particular brand, especially since that Star-Ledger story ran the other day. It’s getting’ me a lil’ hot under the collar, if you don’t mind my saying so. All these people asking questions about the coffee. When I tell them to just shut up and drink whatever I give ‘em, they get all huffy on me. Take it from me when I say Sam’s from New Jersey but he’s just a good ole boy at heart, and you’ll know everything you need to know about him once he’s workin’ the counter at the Supreme Court. Our oppo research team has been all over this guy’s record and as far as we can tell he’s never written or even said anything indicating a preference for regular or decaf, even though he’s worked in the coffee business his whole life. That should be enough to get him past the Senate — talk about a bunch that needs to kick the decaf and start drinking espresso!
What, you too? You want to know what’s in this cup I’m givin’ you? Look, I know you want me to try and get into some kind of public conversation with myself and that’s just not gonna happen, so take this coffee before I Gitmo your ass double-quick, if you’ll pardon my Francais. Go ahead, take a gulp.
Quite a flavor, ain’t it? Harsh as Tony Scalia on the death penalty, hot as Ann Coulter kickin’ a cripple, thin as an Intelligent Design biology paper and bitter as Bill O’Reilly after he loses a sexual harassment case. That nutty aftertaste comes courtesy of Pat’n’Jerry’s down the street — you wouldn’t believe what they’re drinkin!
Take another sip. No, I don’t mind you chokin’ — here at Dunkin’ Dubya’s, everything is hard to swallow, though you’d be amazed how many people can get their gag reflexes under control and bolt down anything I put in front of them.
You don’t want it now? Aw, that’s too bad, friend. When you paid me, that’s what we call my accountability moment. Looks like you’re stuck with that swill for another few years now. Get on down the line and move America forward, sir. On your way out, why not try a pack of Cheney Chews? Quick-drying epoxy resin mixed with Super Glue and chips of vulcanized rubber. The perfect taste treat for people who don’t understand that in this America, you keep your mouth shut and follow orders.
Originally published in The Opinion Mill.