Some might call me a music snob, and for the most part they would be right. I suppose it’s not any more fair to judge a person for their taste in music than it would be to judge them based on their skin color, ethnic origin, religion or personal appearance. But hell, if the Christian Right can get away with it, so can I.
I am at a unique advantage to most people who choose to indulge in the aesthetic values of music. I have access to a cd and vinyl collection that is close to 20,000. I disclose this information right off the bat so as not to paint myself as some kind of music intelligentsia, but to state that while I have access to this extensive library it doesn’t automatically make me a sophisticated music listener. You must WANT to care about what you cram in your ears and brains to really call yourself a music lover.
Take “country” music for example. Anyone listening to “today’s country” as it is labeled here in Cleveland is a complete douchebag. That’s right, I said it: HUGE WASTED SACK OF DOUCHWATER IN A BAG.
Whoa trigger, don’t get ahead of me, let me explain.
Now I am not cutting on country music as a genre. HELL NO. Country music is America’s music right? I guess so. But what’s been done in the name of country is truly a crime against humanity. This year’s Country Grammy Nominees actually includes Shania Twain and Faith Hill – two of the most grating, vile, useless, worthless purely fabricated piles of shit stuffed into a Barbie Doll, dressed-up-like-whores, tools of the devil I have ever seen.
In fact, what Shania Twain and her demonic husband, Mutt Lange have done to the world of country music is worthy of deadly retribution. Instead of vilifying these two music nitwits, the land of Nashville has embraced them and made them their ParaOlympic posterchildren for a musical genre that already teeters on the brink of extinction. Might as well just shove country into the pigtrough, ‘cuz here come Faith Hill, Toby Keith and Tim McGraw shuffling up behind them.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
When I listened to the latest Shania Twain cd, Up it became pretty damn clear that the working title was Throw The Fuck Up, but someone in marketing gave that a thumbs down. “I’m Gonna Getcha Good” is exactly right – but it’s not some ten-gallon-hat-wearing yokel she’s talking about – SHE’S TALKING ABOUT EVERY DIPSHIT WHO THINKS SHE’S COUNTRY. Play it backwards if you want, Satan’s message can and will be heard:
“Don’t wantcha for the weekend/don’t wantcha for a night
I’m only interested if I can have you for life, yeah
Uh, I know I sound serious and baby I am
You’re a fine piece of real estate/and I’m gonna get me some land”
Translated what she is saying is:
“I know you think I am country, but really I’m not
I am a pop singer, sauced up like a tart
My husband overproduces and craps out my shitty songs
And you stupid dumbasses pay for it, it’s so wrong
Yeah, uh, uh
I’ve already planned it – here’s how it’s gonna be
I’m gonna love you and – you’re gonna fall in love with me”
See, Satanic messages, and you people are falling in love ten million times over.
To be honest, even Willie Nelson isn’t country anymore, but at least he has paid the piper and should be allowed to sell his soul with dignity. Whatever happened to Dolly Parton or Loretta Lynn? Real Appalachian-looking women dolled up and hootin’ and hollerin’. I bet Hank and Patsy are rolling in their graves.
Shania, may a plague of frogs visit upon you, may you be riddled with herpes, may you gain fifty pounds and grow planters warts on your feet. And as for you Mutt, I hope Def Leppard rises up and showers you with urine and Anges Young hands you an exploding guitar. Hang your head in shame, man, for you have earned it.