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What movie makes YOU want to kill?

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So a couple of jackasses have gone off on killing sprees because of the Matrix movies. This is the lamest choice EVER. If I were going to fob the responsibility for my consciousness off on somebody else, it sure wouldn’t be Keanu Reeves. Jebus Criminy, I would NOT go around admitting to people that my mind was controlled by some Matrix boy with an IQ that was below room temperature- in Celsius.

Furthermore, the Matrix stuff just looks like popcorn movies made for Otto West, the classic cheesy would-be Nietzchean Kevin Kline character from A Fish Called Wanda. I’m sure the Comic Book Guy will be well satisfied with the pretense of having used that college education. Most of the natural audience for this material will soon mature a little and move on to the deep thoughts of Jim Morrison and the Doors.

Now when I someday snap and go on my killing spree, I’m definitely going to have a much more interesting choice for what movie to blame for my heinous crimes than this Matrix. It certainly won’t be the same one everyone else is using.

Partly it will depend on whether I go on a good killing spree or a bad one. A bad one would be the kind where you just hate humanity and want to kill. If I go in for one of those, well there are many possibilities.

From recent years, Stepmom leaps to mind. I’ll not elaborate on the torturous circumstances of my repeated enforced viewings of this vile torment. Suffice it to say that the perfectly bland, precisely vanilla flavored petty catfight could turn nearly anyone into a misogynist. That’s before the total crassness of the dying mom scenes. A good Sarandon commie rant would have been pure blessed relief in the middle of this stale milquetoast. It’s a wonder no one has been killed because of this one.

I could make a more obscure or “cool” choice. The Manchurian Candidate would be a good choice- especially if you happened to be specifically whacking John McCain. Senator, why don’t you pass the time with a game of solitaire?

It would be different to blame your killing spree on a comedy. They wouldn’t see that one coming. Pulp Fiction would be an obvious candidate.

Now a GOOD killing spree should be done in love, not hate. You know, where you kill someone to impress a chick. Shooting the president to impress Jodie Foster was the classic example. I can see how the Taxi Driver thing might push a fella the rest of the way off the hinges. Classic choice of focus for your crazy fit, but it’s been done.

Looking for a movie performance that would inspire my killing spree, there are a few. The first two Hannibal movies have a nicely evil romanticism about them, but it’s still Foster territory.

If I could get myself crazy enough not to remember that the actress is 90 something years old now, Simone Simon as Belle, the demonic French nanny from “over the mountain” in the 1941 classic The Devil and Daniel Webster might inspire crazed violence. That would be an excellent and less than obvious choice.

Looking for something more modern, there’s Juliette Lewis as Mallory Knox in Natural Born Killers. But that would just be redundant to the movie, wouldn’t it?

WILDCARD: If you REALLY want to go for crazy, you could tell ‘em you shot the congressman to try to get a date with Jessica Rabbit.

I’m still not quite satisfied with my choices. I’m looking for suggestions. I suggest two-fold entries, for the “good” spree and the “bad” spree.

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  • jadester48

    i got one for the “bad” spree:
    you just watched Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas one too many times, and now you believe you’re high and everything you do isn’t real
    it really is that good at giving the impression of the two main characters being wasted

    or how about, for the “good” one;
    you just saw Alien:Resurrection after aving seen the rest of the series, and had to make the pain go away…

  • http://nukapai.typepad.com Nukapai

    The Good: Futurama (sorry, not a film) – killing FOX network representatives for my love of Bender.

    The Bad: Again, films can’t seem to make me murderous; it tends to be TV because as a medium it can apparently reach new lows of human nature. So for the “bad”, any Brit soap opera, let’s say East Enders.