With the closing ceremonies last weekend, the Beijing Olympics have officially come to an end. These Games featured their share of exhilarating victories, devastating defeats, and questionable antics, just like the Olympiads of yore. So, barring any unforeseen Russian invasions of Georgian locker rooms, let’s see what we’ve learned:
— The producers of Entourage had it backward: Michael Phelps, not Adrian Grenier, should have auditioned for the role of Aquaman. And just imagine how many more medals he would have won if he’d grown a Mark Spitz mustache?
— After sweeping the medal stand, the U.S. women’s saber team should be sent to sort out the mess in Afghanistan.
— The U.S. softball team needs to start preparing now if they want to reclaim that gold that Japan stole. Oh, wait….
— Pixar should partner with whoever put on the 55-second clip of the Opening Ceremony fireworks barrage, as long as the Chinese government lets them out of the basement.
— Handball needs to catch on in America as badly as John McCain needs to come clean on his Viagra use. Actually, on second thought, that analogy is gross. My bad. Anyway, handball is awesome.
— Usain Bolt, who showed that a steady diet of Chicken McNuggets doesn’t always leave you looking like an orca, should challenge Soulja Boy to a dance-off.
— The underwater camera angles during the women’s water polo matches make me feel dirty. And not in a good way.
— Ronaldinho is as unattractive as ever, but my oh my can he play fútbol.
— The only thing that could rival U.S. gymnast Shawn Johnson for sheer compactness is a black hole (bet you didn’t think you’d see an astronomical reference in this column, huh?)
— I hope it’s not too late for Coach K to recruit Kobe — who still has four years of eligibility, right? — to Duke.
— I miss the Hamm brothers’
Rugrats impressions real voices.
— The Chinese character for “13-year-old gymnast” is actually the same as “If you Google ‘Darfur’ one more time, you probably shouldn’t fall asleep tonight.”
— It’s really hard to not make a joke about Tyson Gay dropping his partners stick in the 4×100 relay.
— Speed-walking is as much a sport as speed-crawling, speed-crab-walking, or speed-knitting. C’mon, Jacques Rogge, this is in the Olympics, but dodgeball isn’t?
— If I hear one more ripoff of the Olympic slogan, I’ll go Citius, Altius, Fortius, Chuck Norrius on your ass.
— While in Australia, you really shouldn’t make fun of the fact that they call their soccer team the “Olyroos,” or they’ll sic Russell Crowe on you.
— Whoever designed the Bird’s Nest must have been going for the “what-if-a-building-was-attacked-by-Spiderman” aesthetic.
— Those competing in the archery contests should challenge Legolas to a fight. I’d have money on the elf, but I’m sure it’d be interesting.
— The irony that China’s 1.3 billion couldn’t even fill most of the Olympic venues nearly made my head explode.
— The highlight of the equestrian competition is making a horse switch its lead foot. Pardon me while I go watch paint dry.
— Anyone who can spin a table tennis ball both ways on one shot, well, they should really get out more.
— Big Papi and Brian Urlacher should strongly consider badminton in the 2012 London Games. If those Vitamin Water commercials are any indication, they’ll do better than our zero male representatives during these Games.
— The rifle-shooting competitors would be really good Halo hustlers.
— Armenian women have taken up the mantle that the East German female weightlifters abandoned 20 years ago. Seriously, BALCO must also stand for “Ballsy Armenian Ladies Coming Over!”
— And last but not least, if any of you aspire to sing the Chinese National Anthem as a buck-toothed seven-year-old girl, it’s time to look for a different vocation.