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Welcome to Wit’s End

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Hello and welcome to Wit’s End. Please keep your arms and legs inside the compartment. We begin our tour with your rights and responsibilities.

To your left you’ll see your responsibilities, obligations, and bills piled up as high as the sky. Sitting atop this pile you will see all your idiotic and mean bosses, teachers, co-workers, classmates, know-it-all relatives, and other sundry blowhards who seek to squash your dreams and burn cigarette holes in your upholstery if given half a chance.

These people serve the vile purpose of keeping you on your toes, much like barnacles on a whale – which have no toes and are actually kept clean by the barnacles, so that metaphor just went out the window. Instead, then, think of these people as parasites who will eventually dry up and fall off when they realize you’re not the sucker they thought you were.

To your right you’ll see — that’s right — your rights. While this pile is not nearly as tall as your pile of responsibilities, it is nonetheless made of more stable materials, not the least of which is the Constitution, as well as your stamina, creativity, resourcefulness, patience, and a sense of humor (the drier the wit the better to stave off humidity, which causes mildew – or what some call the state flower of North Carolina.)

It is important that you use your rights carefully and sparingly – but you are nonetheless encouraged to use them as the ammunition they are to shoot down those atop your pile of responsibilities. Word to the wise: the smaller and carefully aimed bit of backhandedness has unbelievable airspeed and can take down practitioners of cognitive dissonance from a formidable distance, even if that person is the size of a small elephant (which most bosses and nosy relatives are, as they spend the bulk of their free time lamenting the potential economic collapse of Krispy Kreme by eating as many donuts as possible).

Onward we go, and on your next right you will see your aspirations, dreams, hopes, and ideals. These are kept further from the entrance of Wit’s End to minimize the impact and damage wrought by the bad manners, sloppy paperwork, bookkeeping errors, and drool of those currently residing atop your responsibilities.

Your hopes and dreams are heavily guarded by that which you will see on your next left: your talents, skills, education, and particular personality strengths such as chutzpah, quick thinking, and a strong fight/flight response. This part of Wit’s End has a direct line to your rights. If you are not currently a subscriber of this service, you are strongly encouraged to do so. This is most effectively and cheaply done by realizing your talents, exploring your options, practicing and honing your skills, pursuing your education by whatever legal means are available to you, and getting to know the wonder that is you.

Before we exit Wit’s End, we will first pass through the corridor of your values. Here you will see everything that is most important to you – the people and things you make time for more than anyone or anything else. Often these are the people and things we rely upon for their permanence, but do be mindful of this area’s cleanliness and maintenance.

There will be times when the black clouds created by the hot air of those atop your responsibilities will mistakenly lead you to believe all is doomed and that your values are worthless. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

When someone from atop your responsibilities makes the daring leap from that pile and hitches a ride to your values, it creates a disturbing sensation. Their goal is to scout for the others and determine the viability of our next stop on the tour: your last nerve. For the most part, this scout is harmless and is more of an inconvenience than anything else, much like a fly buzzing around your head.

Much like that fly, however, this person is not dissuaded by polite interlude and must instead be dealt with directly so as not to distract you from your values or keep you from pursuing your goals. This is most effectively done with a well placed, quietly intoned “Shut up, go away, and leave me alone forever.”

It is paramount that you keep an emotionless stare on your face no matter their reaction. An equally intoned and, if need be, repetitive “Get out” is appropriate should they move toward you or return later. This keeps this person from reporting back to the others that your values are an easy target.

This concludes our tour of Wit’s End. Please feel free to leave your comments in the box located next to the register in the gift shop. Sorry, we don't validate parking, but we hope you've come to see how valid you are!

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About Diana Hartman

Diana is a USMC (ret.) spouse, mother of three and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is back in the United States after 10 years in Germany. She is a contributing author to Holiday Writes. She hates liver & motivational speakers. She loves science & naps.