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Welcome to Beautiful, Scenic New Jersey!

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Well, my 42-0 drubbing prediction in Week One didn’t necessarily pan out. I’m going to tell you, fair reader, something I never told my ex-wife: I was wrong. I’m sorry. Your butt doesn’t look fat in those jorts.

It looks like Week Two is gonna be just as tough as Week One for the Pats, if not more so. Mostly for me, since I’m gonna have to wake up at ten in the morning like a freakin’ cow-farmer. One of the disadvantages of living on West Coast time.

On Sunday morning, the Pats travel to the breathtaking Meadowlands to take on the New Jersey Jets. The battle for first place in the AFC East. It’s on..

Who’s got the edge in Week Two? Let’s go gandering:

Quarterback – This matchup is a teenage girl’s cream dream. The dreamy Tom Brady against the foxy Mark Sanchez. Hold on, lemme get my manhood back. As amazing as Sanchez was against the Texans, you just don’t bet on rookie QBs. Although technically, playing at USC, he’s been a professional football player for some time now. Edge? Pats.

Backfield – Thomas Jones is the best back on either side on Sunday. But the Pats platoon looked great at times on Monday. Fred Taylor came back from the dead, Larry Maroney came back from the deader and Kevin Faulk didn’t Faulk up. Thomas Jones and Leon Washington, though, will be a significant upgrade over Fred Jackson’s performance in Week One. Edge? Jets.

Receivers – Dustin Keller and Jerricho Cotchery aren’t bad; but the Pats receivers blow them out of the water. Randy Moss is already off to a rousing start and Ben Watson had two clutch touchdowns in the final two minutes. Wes Welker and Joey Galloway are the question marks. Welker just seemed to be off for the entire game on Monday; and I’m not quite sure Joey Galloway showed up. Still, Randy alone will out-catch the Jersey Jets. Edge? Pats.

Offensive Line – I can’t express enough how old and past-their-prime our O-Line is. It’s Sebastian Vollmer Time. Please install The Berlin Wall, we need him desperately. The Jets, on the other hand, have a man named D’Brickashaw, which scares the hell out of me. Alan Faneca, Nick Mangold, Brandon Moore, Damien Woody; the Jets line is one of the finest in the league. A rookie quarterback couldn’t be luckier. Unless he was dating Hilary Rhoda. (To the Google Image Search engine!) Edge? Jets.

Defensive Line – Shaun Ellis is back from suspension to join Marques Douglas and Kris Jenkins. Vince Wilfork, on the other side, is… well… fatter. Edge? Jets.

Linebackers –
If Jerod Mayo is out, we could be in trouble. Once he left on Monday, the Pats D looked lost and Buffalo took advantage. Without our defensive quarterback, the Jets could be trouble. Adalius, Pierre, and Gary gotta step up. Jersey has Bryan Thomas, Bart Scott, David Harris and Vernon Gholston across the board. One of the best linebacking crews in the league. Edge? Jets.

Defensive Backfield – Darrelle Revis will be over Moss; but beyond him this Jets secondary isn’t blowing anyone away. Lito Sheppard on the other side will hopefully inspire some confidence in Wes Welker and get him back into Welker-form. New England’s safeties (Brandon Meriweather and James Sanders) will hit the bejeezus out of Jersey’s receivers. Could be a long night for the Jets’ doctors. (Do they have doctors in New Jersey?) Edge? Pats.

Special Teams – The best kicker in the land. The man who recovered the fumble that saved the season. I don’t care what Jersey’s got on its side. We got Godkowski. Edge? Pats.

Coaching – Belichick vs. Dyslex Ryan. There’s nothing less intimidating than a coach who can’t read. Although anything’s an improvement over Dick Jauron in Week One. Edge? Pats.

Forecast – Week Two could be another one-point wall-kicker/toe-stubber like Week One. Hopefully this one will be a little less ugly. I honestly think the Jets, even with a rookie quarterback, have a distinct advantage and should be the favorites on Sunday.

Prediction – New Jersey York 24, New England 16

MVP: CB Dwight Lowery – Brings an ill-advised Brady toss back for the go-ahead touchdown. This hurts me more than it hurts you. But we gotta drop a couple now so we don’t drop the big one later.

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About Ethan Booker

  • Grampie Bob

    You were right about Hilary Rhoda but wrong about the Pats. Brady is going to be wicked-pissa-awesome this week; Welker will be Welker and Moss will be “Rician”.

  • GA

    Soooo into the Pat’s
    Get a grip….