I'll make a deal. I'm willing to accept the existence of global warming, just like Nancy Pelosi and the Supreme Court if someone will come down here to Texas and pay my heating bills, put insulation around my fruit trees, and mulch my flowers.
We're entering the second week of April, the time of year when the weather in the Austin area normally makes a gradual change from balmy to blazing hot, and there's ice falling out of the sky, frost on the ground, and a truly remarkable crop of Spring wildflowers is dying on the stem.
It's cold here. It's not just a little cool like it might be on a breezy Spring night, it's record shattering, unprecedentedly, incredibly cold. It's oh my god I think the ice age has started cold. The cold is lasting for days, and when these cold fronts come in from the west and hit the moisture from the Gulf of Mexico, we also get a hell of a lot of rain. Really cold rain. Where are the arid winds and baking sun of Global Warming which are supposed to turn the two thirds of the world into desert?
Some numbers might help you. The low last night was 31 degrees. The high during the day was 35. The low barely broke past records, only a couple of degrees colder than the previous record from 1980. The high broke all prior records and then danced on their shards laughing insanely. The previous low daytime temperature record was set in 1939 at 61 degrees. Today's highest afternoon temperature was 26 degrees lower. That's not seasonal temperature variation. That's unprecedented. A few more degrees and it would probably be snowing here.
This isn't just some short-term regional anomaly. It's snowing in West Texas and Oklahoma. It's snowing in Atlanta, Tennessee, and North Carolina, and there are serious snows farther north and farther west. And it's not ending any time soon. Forecasts suggest that it's going to get even colder over the next few days with temperatures dropping into the teens as cold front piles on cold front through Tuesday.
This isn't just an inconvenience. Parts of the country which normally have balmy weather this time of year are burning natural gas, propane, and electricity to keep warm, and that's going to have an impact on personal budgets for millions of people. This is also well into the growing season for farmers throughout the south, southwest, and lower midwest. Cold combined with excessive rain have likely already destroyed one crop of feed corn, and are stressing cattle who ought to be eating heavily now to recover from the lean winter months. Fruit yields will certainly be much lower than usual. I'm sure we've lost two aging peach trees and I doubt our plums will produce at all this year.
Climatologists are likely to blame this weather on the breakdown of El Nino and the emergence of the cold Pacific waters of the La Nina weather pattern, but the reasons don't matter much to those of us getting a taste of what life will be like in Texas if an ice age brings glaciers down to the Mason-Dixon line.
More important than rotting corn, starving cows, and $400 propane bills, I know it's not going to be much fun for our 4-year-old to hunt Easter eggs in mittens, an overcoat, and hip-boots.
Global warming my frozen Texas ass.