Dateline: March, I believe, somewhere in North Korea
Your intrepid reporter hasn't the vaguest idea how he wound up in North Korea. I don't speak the language, and I'm not fond of tree bark as a main course. Hell, Lithuania is preferable to this hell hole. But fear not, Internet access is ubiquitous, so we are able to bring you the news.
Whoa, Now This is Unexpected. CNN has discovered that American support for the war in Iraq is sinking like the Titanic, only faster. And we're less proud of being there. Confidence in the war has plummeted from 83 percent when it started four years ago to 35 percent today.
Ah, come on guys, give us a tough one, like how many people know that the infamous Barbi twins had minor roles in some unbearable stupid TV show about getting married? Given that the Busher should have a nose about 35 feet long with bird nests hanging from it based on his never-ending series of lies, that we've created a terrorist's dream in Afghanistan and Iraq, and that everyone in the world, including ourselves, hates us… why wouldn't support go down?
They're Old People. Who Cares? A really big oops on the part of two Republican Congressmen from Georgia (where else?) who got a bill passed that requires written proof of citizenship before getting Medicaid benefits. Let's face it, illegal immigrants who are stealing the Medicaid dollars off the shelves like boxes of tortillas and sitting in their vast estates laughing at the silly gringos and their dumb laws… where was I? Oh, yeah, the bill was supposed to stop all that shilly-shallying. One problem. Tons of old people, mostly the folks who most need Medicaid, haven't seen their birth certificate in years. Passports are okay but a lot of folks can't even afford them. The result, a brilliant reduction in Medicaid costs.
I dunno. Call me heartless, but if you're not smart enough to know where your birth certificate is, I mean, can you even prove you were born? Maybe you weren't. We shouldn't have to pay Medicaid benefits to things that were hatched. You could be part of the Pod People come back for another stupid movie. I'm with Georgia on this one. If your ID don't fly, you gotta die.
Optimism in the Pursuit of Stupidity is Not Noble. In what has to be one of the most stupid remarks ever made by a military leader dealing with a controversial war, Reuters reports that on the fourth anniversary of the Iraq War, newly crowned Defense Secretary Robert Gates said it was to early to tell if the new strategy was working, but "so far, so good."
A burned-out light bulb would have been better than Rumsfeld, but somebody's gotta check what time Gates starts drinking. Dear Mr. Gates: Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you really a blithering idiot or does the Busher have something on you? So far, so good? Maybe it's terminal blindness. For one example of how good it's gotten, keep reading
Hip Hip Hurray! We've Found the WMD In Iraq. There's only one problem. The stupid Iraqis, who got them from – gosh, I wonder where – are using them against each other. And it's chlorine. Do you know how bad elemental chlorine is? Try instadeath. I'd rather swim with the sharks than get a big snort of chlorine. Your intrepid reporter does not speak lightly nor exaggerate his claims. One chemical company (many years ago) discovered that they had five tank cars at one of their plants. (Chlorine is used in just about everything.) And they knew that the plant was along the flight path for the city's airport. With no government pressure, they worked out a just-in-time delivery system where there would never be more than half a tank car.
Over the past week, hundreds have died and thousands injured by this WMD that Arabs use against their own.
But at least Georgie can now proudly proclaim that we found WMD in Iraq. The fact that al Qaeda was behind the all the chlorine bombs is irrelevant. Yup, so far, so good.
Well, we've come to the end of another fun edition of Mark My Words. If you're as impressed with it as I am, feel free to make generous contributions… but not just yet. I've got to figure out to get them past the big shots at BC Magazine.Powered by Sidelines