So what it is, is The Duke was intending to do some light-weight shit, and then next thing I know I’m alerted to a spot of news via some good folks on Kirsten-Dunst.org. What that there is, is a “website” all about Kirsten Dunst, photos of Kirsten Dunst, forums all about “hey guys I love Kirsten can I get her email thanks” and so on.
Turns out Kirsten was scheduled to appear briefly in lovable rogue Vincent Gallo’s much-praised, critically-lauded, universally-admired The Brown Bunny, until, for some inexplicable reason, Kirsten decided She would rather not, in fact, be involved with Gallo’s magnum opus.
Here’s a buncha text what I just ripped the fuck off of MSN.COM
“Gallo tells the New York Post that Dunst agreed to appear briefly at the beginning of his orally fixated flick, which Roger Ebert called “the worst film in the history” of the Cannes Film Festival, but her agent phoned shortly before cameras were set to roll to say she was bailing out.
The acerbic auteur tells the paper he called Dunst and “expressed to her that I was displeased that she had abandoned me on the day she was supposed to film.” According to Gallo, she “became another person. She was a cold, curt, nasty little witch of a brat on the phone.”
Dunst’s agent tells the Post that the actress jumped ship once her people realized the production didn’t conform to SAG guidelines, insisting, “[Gallo] can say anything he wants. She did nothing wrong.”
Gallo, ever the gentleman, says there are no hard feelings. “If she wants to do lame, stupid movies, it’s great. I respect her,” he tells the paper. “I was very angry for a really long time, but at this point I just think she’s a talented, pretty person and I only wish good things for her.”
In incurring Gallo’s wrath, Dunst has joined an ever-expanding club whose members include Christina Ricci and Roger Ebert. Of his “Buffalo ’66″ leading lady, Gallo said, “I don’t like her. But it’s okay. She’s basically a puppet. I told her what to do, and she did it.” Sadly, Ricci got off light compared to Ebert.
Gallo’s revenge for the man who boiled his “Bunny” in print included referring to him as a “fat pig” and putting a “black magic hex” on him so he’d develop prostate cancer. Ebert, coincidentally, was later diagnosed with salivary cancer.
While the two later kissed and made up (sort of), we urge Kirsten to watch her back — and have regular check-ups.”
Let’s be honest here, Gallo is fulla shit, but he’s never less than entertaining. And to be a bit more honest even, if I had scheduled Kirsten to star in my film about blow-jobs and driving, probably I’d be annoyed if She didn’t turn up the day She was supposed to.
On the other hand, how the hell could he blame Kirsten for it all? Have some dignity, man. Blame fucking Will Smith or some shit. Gallo Slams Smith For Kirsten’s Good Sense would be a much preferable headline for to read of a morning.
And what about that “lame, stupid movies” remark? What the fuck, Gallo? How many Eternal Sunshine’s are in your filmography? When was the last time a Virgin Suicides fell out your asshole? And I ain’t ever in my life heard so much as a Cat’s Non-Committed Sigh from you, never mind a Meow. You’re good at yacking sentiments like “Bring it on, motherfucker”, but you ain’t got two Bring It On’s for to rub together.
He’s a bit like Morrissey except without the excessive talent. You just hope he’s gonna wake up pissed-off and there’s gonna be a reporter near-by, so as he can open his window and scream about whatever motherfucker done pissed him off, and here’s what he’s gonna do about it, and here’s what he wishes happened to said motherfucker, up-to-and-including any and all bizarre equatorial viruses they hopefully catch.
Buffalo 66 was a fine flick, though, and Christina Ricci was just about amazing, as she usually is, in fact. If only any motherfuckers could pronounce her surname properly, she might even get an Oscar one of these days.
Thanks Kirsten. And also Roswell Crash Survivor, who went ahead and alerted The Duke to this development.
Or Why Not Investigate Flix Wizard, The Foul-Mouthed Hollywood Hard-Ass