I saw Viggo Mortensen naked. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly face-to-face nakedness, it was in the movies. I should be happy about that shouldn’t I? I am not.
My brother and I decided to catch up on our Oscar movies, as we were a little behind schedule. Make that a lot behind schedule. We were still scrambling to watch them hours before the broadcast. Luckily Eastern Promises was on Pay-Per-View.
Then again, maybe I wasn’t so lucky. You see, I have a very strict policy against watching anything by David Cronenberg. It all started back in 1988 when I went to see Dead Ringers. On my way into the theater everyone from the previous showing came out shouting, "Don’t see Dead Ringers!” Did I listen? Of course not. I already had my ticket.
They were right though. The movie was creepy, and not in a good way. It was about twin gynecologists who had an inappropriately close relationship. If you haven’t seen it already I’ll just let your imagination run amok. Suffice it to say I was skeeved (although now that I’ve seen Kids and Happiness I realize that I didn’t know what skeeved was).
A few years later I forgot myself and decided to watch Naked Lunch. I got as far as the scene where the wife was mainlining pesticide into her boob before I instituted my non-Cronenberg policy. In all fairness, he did a pretty decent job as the shrink in Nightbreed, and he was absolutely stellar in To Die For as “Man at Lake”, but as far as his directing goes? Eww.
But back to Viggo. He was nominated for Best Actor for his role in Eastern Promises. He played Nikolai, the driver and all-around badass who worked for a Russian mobster in London. He meets up with Anna, played by Naomi Watts, and a fun time is had by all.
I figured, how bad could it be? Viggo is The King after all. And he’s hot. For the most part I was right. There was a pretty graphic scene of a woman giving birth, but all in all it wasn’t unbearable. That is, not until Viggo took his pants off.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a hot guy getting naked. The thing is, Viggo went all full-frontal. It wasn’t a love scene either. He was getting the beat down by a bunch of gangsters in a steam room. There was blood. There was gore. There were snapping bones. And in the middle of it all there was Viggo’s johnson flapping in the breeze. It would have been one thing if it was a two second peek, but the scene went on for something like ten minutes. I didn’t need to see all that.
Yes, I understand that the scene wasn’t meant to be titillating. I imagine it was supposed to be some kind of metaphor — nakedness and vulnerability and all that. I don’t know, I’m not that smart. All I know is that if I’m going to see Viggo naked I should be in my happy place later.
I’m over David Cronenberg. Again.Powered by Sidelines