I was intrigued by Starsky and Hutch, and Garfield had Jennifer Love Hewitt, so it couldn’t have been all bad.
When Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman teamed up for Bewitched, I was interested, if not a little put off that Ferrell’s name wasn’t Dick.
I even liked Keenan Thompson as Fat Albert.
I just shook my head at Scooby Do.
Then Hollywood gave us a black version of the Honeymooners starring Cedric the Entertainer as Ralph Kramden. While that was akin to casting Jason Biggs to play J.J. from Good Times, all I did was cock my brow.
But then the Dukes of Hazzard was released with Johnny Knoxville and Stifler in the lead roles. Jessica Simpson was Daisy Duke and, yeah that loosened me up for a minute, but still, I couldn’t help thinking I would rather watch Coy and Vance than these flaming retards. But I bit my lip until I nearly bled.
See, I was initially excited about this phenomenon where movie studios turn old TV shows into movies. After all, it was a can’t-miss premise. The shows were good, so the movie HAS to be good, right?
No. They ruined them all. Hollywood has collectively crapped upon some of popular culture’s greatest gems. They took the great, and turned it insipid.
The worst part of it? They aren’t done yet. Now, Hollywood is going after the queen bee, the sire of television from 1977-1983.
CHiPs, coming to a theater near you.
Don’t vomit quite yet until you read this next sentence:
Fez (That 70's Show) is Ponch.
There is only one thing left to say to Hollywood:
Screw you.
You got to hell. You go to hell and you die.
Seriously! Screw you!
Where do you get off making CHiPs into a movie? There is only one possible way this could happen that would be even remotely acceptable. First, get Wilmer Valderrama out along with whatever American Pie retread you’ve cast as John. Then, insert Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox into the roles that only they can play.
Then call it CHiPs 2000. It might still suck, it might still be embarrassing, but at least the audience won’t feel swindled when they see it.
Article comments
1 - Temple Stark
Excellent. You give Hollywood too much credit that, in general, "... deep down you know that this unoriginal garbage is an insult to every intelligent consumer of popular culture."
Sadly $$$ is Hollywoood soul and these movies make big money; people go to see them because they are cultural events and then they can be informed "haters."
Now I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. Thanks :-)
Jessica Simpson as Ponch, please LOL.
"If you need original material then I'd be happy to write a screenplay or two to help out. It might not be that good, but at least it won't desecrate the upbringing of an entire generation of Americans."
Hire for originality? That only happens if you're already a success and bored by your previous unoriginal output. That way you have a name you can sell. Very incestuous.