And then I smelled something. I know that sometimes, movie theaters don’t always smell like roses, what with all the stale popcorn and sticky floors. But this was the smell of a dirty bathroom. I whispered to my husband that it stunk like a toilet. He looked around and shrugged his shoulders. And then the barrage of previews, er correction, commercials and promotions started playing. I sunk into my seat and tried to forget about the stench.
About midway into the previews (which, by the way, I think we’ve now seen the Brokeback Mountain preview about 12 times, and every time, I turn to my husband and ask him if we can go see the “gay cowboy” movie, just to see him react), I was distracted by a latecomer in the row in front of me. The woman had to squeeze by an older gentleman sitting by himself at the end of the row. She apologized while he LOUDLY said, “That’s OK, baby, there’s a seat right here, there ya go” in a Southern drawl. At first, I was like, what a nice older man. But then he continued to LOUDLY talk to her (she was by herself at this point, frantically looking toward the back for her other party to arrive), offering her his popcorn and drink.
Her friend finally arrived, just as the opening credits were rolling. She squeezed by the older man and was similarly greeted by him. She sat down and whispered something to her friend. By now, the movie was into the first scene – Arkansas, 1944, two young brothers, JR and Jack, listening to little June Carter singing on the radio. The older man turned to the two women and LOUDLY relayed this exact scenario, in case they missed it themselves. They giggled a little, trying to politely ignore the now-intrusive older man who was sitting right next to them.
I, of course, being the self-proclaimed people-watcher, er correction, voyeur that I am, couldn’t help but watch the scene unfolding in front of me. I managed to keep one eye on the movie and one eye on the interesting trifecta of too-loud talking old man plus two now-annoyed women. My husband managed to keep both of his eyes on the screen the whole time, because he can easily ignore the random goings-on in public places. I, on the other hand, cannot.
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
I rarely go to the movies anymore. It is a combination of a weird work schedule, an extremely busy wife and the inability for us to agree on what we'd like to see.
That and exactly what you are talking about here. The experience of going to a movie just isn't as good anymore. I find myself throwing in a classic DVD, popping my own popcorn and curling up next to the Mrs on the couch more often now, than actually getting to the cinema.
2 - Mat Brewster
Dude, I so commented on this this morning. Where did it go? And now I can't remember what I said, but you can count on it being hilarious and insightful.
These days I do find myself curled up on the couch with my wife with some home made popcorn and a DVD. It is cheaper, cozier, and generally less obnoxious than the theatre.
3 - Mat Brewster
And now it shows up. I swear I didn't see my first comment a minute ago. I've got to stop eating every mushroom I see growing in a field.
Sorry for the redundancy.
4 - Jenifer Gonzales
No worries! Thanks for the words, redundant and all!
5 - cs
have you checked the price of movie projectors lately? they are cheaper than plasma screens and let you watch the movie like they are intended to be... on the BIG screen (if you own a big white wall)
6 - paulehr
I know how you feel, my girlfriend and I just wait for movies to hit DVD or video on demand and then see them. For the amount of money you pay for two people to see movie nowadays you can wait till comes out on DVD and buy it. Not to mention the fact they show like 20 minutes of commericals before the trailers roll.
Another thing that drives me nuts happened at a movie we see recently. This family in front of us had brought their toddler to a 8pm movie. Now dont get me wrong i have nothing againts bringing young ones to a movie, but at 8pm? when the movie was two and half hours long? No way. We were blessed with the kid throwing fits and being loud halfway through the movie. Needless to say the girlfriend and I were pissed.
7 - chele
Avoid the main consumer cinemas. Any decent town has and independent, artsy theater with much better movied anyway.
8 - -E
Bummer that going to the movie is such a chore for you. I go to the movie at least twice a month, sometimes more. I've had one experience with loud kids that were honestly too young to see the movie, but we alerted the manager and they were escorted out. But other than that, every experience I have had is extremely enjoyable. Perhaps it is just the theater I choose to go to?
9 - Dave Chappelle
The stink was my fault, I'm sorry. I went to the theater and crapped in one of the seats, and stayed to laugh while I watched the old man sit in it, because to me that's funny.
10 - uao
From Hollywood:
If I throw a rock, I'll hit an actor. On some days, I hit three or four.
I'm the only guy living in Hollywood (besides the Mexicans, Armenians, Russians, Thais, Salvadoreans, et. al.) who didn't move here to get into movies. That said, I used to enjoy going to the movies. But I've done so precisely 8 times in the last 4 years.
Here's the local cinema experience:
Nearest cinema: The famous Arclight. Once a magnificent landmark; a perfect geodesic dome in which the screen was at a 45 degree angle from the ceiling, and the audience semi-reclined in plush seats to watch it; opened in 1969 it was pure Apollo Age architecture and philosophy. The first movie that showed there was 2001: A Space Odyssey.
These days, the Cinema has been dwarfed by parking structure monoliths all around it; you barely notice the golfball shape anymore. The theater has been turned into a garish multiplex. The biggest screen is on a half-heartedly reconstructed version of the original big theater, minus all its sleek design intelligence. Only crap plays on the biggest screen.
Last time I went, there were 14 ticket lines. Five people stood in front of me, and there was 45 minutes until showtime.
47 minutes later, I was sold my ticket. For $14.00! The usher told me to "Enjoy the movie", I told him "it had really better be good".
Parking was $5
$19 for some lousy pic, and I don't even remember what it was, it was so lousy. I know it was probably a big one, damned if I can even remember...
Across the street, CD/DVD/Vinyl collector MEGA-store Amoeba sells used DVD's of recent flicks and offbeat old stuff for under ten bucks. Free parking, too.
It's just not worth the money and the hassle and the parking and the lines to see what? Something III? With screechy kids and stinky old men?
I'd rather stay home and channel-surf. Or blog. Or a hundred other things.
I mourn the loss of the traditional neighborhood theater experience, gone since the invention of the multiplex; back then (through the mid-80's or so, it was something special the communal experience. Now its just cattle herding of carloads. Pity, but Hollywood brought it on itself.
11 - mom
I love the Dave Chappelle comment! I wonder if it's the REAL Dave Chapelle!.. Good luck on your NY Times interview tomorrow. Love, mom
12 - joanne
Can't help it...still love the big screen experience. I'm the one who sneaks the gyro into the theatre every now and then...
Could stand to lose the 40 previews tho...
13 - Sno-Caps & Junior Mints
My sympathies to all who suffer the agony of a horrible movie theatre experience. The last time I was in a movie theatre was for a Lord of the Rings movie, in an American theatre. I went alone, during my workday. Two seats empty on both sides. A young fellow decides to sit exactly in a seat next to me. For two and half hours I endured this goober whistling through his nose while he was breathing and him shaking his leg like a nervous dog. The last half hour I contemplated violence to this person. The most recent positive experience was in Europe, 2004, Dodgeball. NO ONE spoke during the show. The level of respect was amazing. Everyone takes their trash with them. Floors were clean not sticky.
Never again will I go into a movie theatre because the comfort of viewing movies in my own home out-weighs the stress & cost of being elsewhere. Even if the theatre experience is positive somewhere, I would rather pay two dollars for a crap movie rental than an $8 or $12 ticket which automatically includes the extraneous bull-doody behaviour from "fellow" theatre patrons. People who bring active cell phones & toddlers to theatres are rectal-portholes!
These people are dangerously oblivious to other patrons wanting to FORCEFULLY DEACTIVATE BOTH!