They're the psychic detective and Most Haunted supernatural mambo-jambo timeslot fillers.
And now, this is the pits: LivingTV is about to release the Hades Bulldog on us all - Jade's Salon. Oh, lose weight for the one last time and do it so impressively that an image of your emaciated dead husk with the boob implants lolling on top gets splattered on every OK! SLUT! and CHAV! magazine in the world, then be done with us.
Go Away Jade Goody.
You are a discrace to the town you lived in. You are the hero of snot-nosed reality TV addicts. And your claims to fame are so devoid of skill or merit that I am embarrassed on the behalf of the general public for making you a D list celebrity (and this is saying something, considering my feelings on the faceless creature of General Public). You don't deserve to be on any list.
Yet there you are, mocking us with your ability to take a turd, polish it a little, and sell it.
Should I respect her for that?
Didn't I just finish praising Tyra Banks for making the most of what she'd been given?
Yeah, but.
Tyra Banks is a human being. And gorgeous. And clever.
Jade Goody is a puddle of mindnumbingly thick pond scum. And hideous.
I think I will be able to live with my double standards.
So, here's the final question then. Will I now be compelled to watch Jade's Salon? Will the attraction of her potential bumbling as a small business owner be irresistible? I want to start a business - wouldn't it be excellent to see a character like Jade make a total pig's ear of it?
If only there was such a guarantee.
I don't think I'll be watching Jade's Salon, just for the chance that she'll make a success of it. I don't think I could take it.
This post first appeared in Nukapai's blog, as part of the Sunday Review series.
ed: JH
Article comments
1 - Warren
So the US got Monty Python, and we send you Will and Grace? Talk about ingratitude. You guys got the short end of that deal.
2 - Christopher Rose
especially as it took about 30 years...
3 - Nukapai
Ah, but we also got Scrubs, Desperate Housewifes, Weeds and so on from you lot. So not terrible, on balance. Although you did also bless us with Seinfeld. Yeah...
4 - Bennett
Wait till we send "My Name Is Earl". That one will make up for just about everything we've done wrong. And at about episode four you wonderful folks are going to be in debt.
Wait, no, we still owe you BIG time for Wallace and Grommit.
5 - Nukapai
As long as nobody mentions Simpsons and Futurama, this should be clean sailing... :p
6 - Bennett
Nukapai - I'm glad that Seinfeld translates culturally. Yep, we're proud of that nonsense. A great show.
But, "Earl" blows my mind with every new show.
"Wait! Twenty years ago, now WAY they'd show that. Let alone be creative enough to conceive of it!"
It's that good.
The first episode is so good that you become afraid that all the rest will disappoint. Subsequent episodes are good, but right about #4 or 5 you get "I Ruined Joy's Wedding" and after visiting the hospital for stitches (busted gut) you realize that they've got more to give.
A beautiful thing.
7 - Christopher Rose
NUKAPAI:
Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! Hits tree.
Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.
8 - reggie
Great read Nakupai--loved it.
I happen to be one of the people who watch Charmed, Will & Grace and i'm ashamed to admit....America's next top model.
WAIT!!! I can explain...when i first started watching this show, it happened to be Naima and what's-her-name strutting on that catwalk in threadlike attire....and did i mention it was raining, and that they were soaking wet? Surely you understand why i couldn't resist it the follownig week. ;-)
I think this British living tv thingy is of great taste. Too bad none of the shows is theirs (british).
Whats this you say about Britains next top model? I wonder who the host will be...perhaps Tyra has a hand in all this?
They chose Nicole as the next top model yesterday....pity. I always saw Nik as the better of the two and i thought that the judges felt the same way. I came to realise that the final decision isn't really the judges, its the network.
9 - Nukapai
Bender is my hero. Well, not exactly; as in - I wouldn't want to be so nihilistic in real life - it's just a wonderful, wonderful dream...
10 - Nukapai
Reggie: aagh, way to give the ending away! That cycle hasn't hit Britain yet! :o
11 - Nukapai
Bennett: as you can see from above, you're not the only person to have sold "Earl" up quite high, so now I really am curious! Let's hope we get it here soon!
12 - Alisha Karabinus
I'm somewhat surprised Warren is more upset over Will and Grace than over Charmed. Charmed makes me want to toss my TV through the window.
Now, if we sent Buffy and Firefly, then we're doing something right. Joss Whedon! Joss Whedon! Yay!
13 - Christopher Rose
Nuka: I feel exactly the same way about Bender! But have been like that many times, mostly in the past! muahahaha
14 - Nukapai
Christopher, may I kiss your shiny, metal ass?
Alisha - yay for Buffy and Firefly! Yes, they certainly came over and yes, they were definitely appreciated! Although Angel, not so much. Not by me anyway. Only the first series of Angel was fun for me, after that it became irritating.
15 - Christopher Rose
Nuka: the Bender in me wants to say "if I can kiss yours!" but I'm trying not to give in to it.
God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.
God: Yes, if he makes it look like an electrical thing. If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
16 - Nukapai
Interesting proposition, but sadly, that education video scarred me for life. Robots and humans = No Thanks! :D
17 - reggie von woic
OMG!!
I'm so sorry Nukapai, i had no idea....you can remove the comment can't you?
Please do if you can. It wasn't my intention to ruin it for anyone and i apologise for that again.
I'll try to be more carefull next time.
And who is this Bender you speak of...the one in futurama?
18 - Alisha Karabinus
DEFINITELY not so much Angel. I don't really care for David-whatshisname anyway, and that show's storylines went all kinds of off-kilter.
19 - Nukapai
Reggie, alas, I don't have comment editing powers, but anyway: I will try my best to forget what you posted... :p
Alisha: uhu, in agreement. David-whatshisname has one expression that sort of works (the "I'm tormented and brooding"), but anything else just looks wrong somehow. Plus I think I preferred him when he turned bad.
20 - linda+iris tansley
i reilly enjoyed charmed for eight years i will miss it
21 - iris linda tansley
i reilly enjoyed charmed for eight years i will miss it can we have some free thing from charmed [Personal contact info deleted]