But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this. Xenu didn't WANT their souls to return, so he built giant soul catchers in the sky.
The souls were taken to a huge soul brainwashing facility which Xenu had also built on Earth. There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material, which tricked them into believing a false reality.
Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the Earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they could grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems.
I have laughed all the way through that segment repeatedly, but breaking it down in fact Parker and Stone did not ham that up. They presented the text and the images basically straight. Really, the only laugh line they needed was the flashing words on the screen during much of the segment declaring that "This is what Scientologists actually believe."
Now, I've noticed one little discrepancy. The South Park version of the story has Xenu dropping frozen souls INTO the hot Hawaiian volcano, whereas another version of the story on Wikipedia would have it that he dropped the souls AROUND the volcanoes, and then used nuclear weapons on them.
Someone's got something wrong, or perhaps L. Ron Hubbard had different details between the original writing vs the screenplay treatment Wikipedia is quoting. The obvious solution there would be for the church to publicly release all of Hubbard's Xenu writings so we can get the story straight, but that doesn't seem likely to be happening anytime soon.
Ah well, then. Let's leave it with Stan's widely quoted final words.
Article comments
1 - JD
Did you notice that no one used thier real name in the credits?
2 - Nick
R Kelly is badass dont fuck with him
3 - eexlebots
haha this is fantastic!
4 - Hartley
The Wikipedia version of the Xenu story is the correct one, though South Park was very close. Critics of the cult have for a long while been handing out copies of the 'Xenu leaflet' at pickets:
The 'THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE' message is actually untrue. Most cult members don't know, or nowadays believe they have to pretend they don't know, the Xenu story. It's a *secret* that if they were told without thousands of dollars of preparation would ruin their chance of immortality, forever.
The cult has spent millions of dollars trying to keep the story secret. Here's their http://www.daisy.freeserve.co.uk/stolgy_14.htmstandard lawyer's letter:
5 - Arnie Lerma
You wrote:"
Now, I've noticed one little discrepancy. The South Park version of the story has Xenu dropping frozen souls INTO the hot Hawaiian volcano, whereas another version of the story on Wikipedia would have it that he dropped the souls AROUND the volcanoes, and then used nuclear weapons on them."
In 1995 I was the guy that posted the xenu story to the net and then Scientology spent $1,740,000 suing me. See the FAQ page at my homepage.
Though I am under an injuction to not make copies of what Scientology describes as their "ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY" allow me to fix this one small error in South Park's rendition.
A proper rendtion of the section about the implant stations goes something like this:
After stacking up the frozen corpses of the captured spirits around volcanoes, Hydrogen bombs were dropped on the volcanoes, and in the resulting maelstrom, an electronic ribbon came up from the implant station, capturing all the spirits and drawing them down into the implant station, where they were then forced to watch lousy movies.. ( pictures of how earth society looks today - Hubbard makes his rubes think this is why architecture etc is the way it is ) and packaged up into clusters and these clusters are stuck all over you, and for $360,000 Scientology can get rid of them fo you.
Any Questions?
Sincerely
Arnie Lerma
Lermanet.comExposing the CON
"The dispute in this case surrounds Lerma's acquisition and publication on the Internet of texts that the Church of Scientology considers sacred and protects heavily from unauthorized disclosure. Founded by L. Ron Hubbard, the Scientology religion attempts to explain the origin of negative spiritual forces in the world and advances techniques for improving one's own spiritual well-being. Scientologists believe that most human problems can be traced to lingering spirits of an extraterrestrial people massacred by their ruler, Xenu, over 75 million years ago. These spirits attach themselves by "clusters" to individuals in the contemporary world, causing spiritual harm and negatively influencing the lives of their hosts "
A recent radio show from March 29th about this and South Park is HERE mp3 29 meg
6 - Al Barger
Arnie- "$360,000 Scientology can get rid of them fo you." Can L Ron's boys do anything about Manbearpig?