I turned on my Digital Video Recorder last night to find Shakira belly dancing in Kellie Picklerâ€™s prom dress on my TV set. My first reaction was that Iâ€™d been on the wrong kind of websites again and my wife was going to catch me. After I saw Simon's polite but annoyed smile at Wyclef Jean, who had mysteriously jumped on the stage and then begun rapping in Simonâ€™s face, I realized that this was just Americaâ€™s favorite family program, AI. I couldnâ€™t understand any of the lyrics and mostly I found myself checking out Shakiraâ€™s abs, trying to figure out how tall she actually is, and whether Wyclef was hip-synching.
It was like some parody of world music out of The Simpsons. On one level it was kind of fascinating; Wyclef Jean is from Haiti and Shakira is half-Columbian and half-American by way of Lebanon. (I guess that was the belly dancing part.) It had plenty of energy and Shakira certainly sings loud enough and clear enough, but it was like whoever conceived the thing had ADD. If this is the music of the 21st century, then no wonder all the contestants fell flat, sharp, and off the beat on Tuesday night. If this is someoneâ€™s idea of â€śWorld Musicâ€ť, everyoneâ€™s going to be invading everyone elseâ€™s country and boom boxes and MP3 players should be declared Weapons of Music Destruction.
Two nights ago, they slipped in a quick commercial for an American Idol parody featuring Mandy Moore, which appears to be her attempt at a comeback after her parody of Christian schools. Iâ€™m wondering why parody something thatâ€™s already this funny all by itself?
Through one of my sources, I did get secret tape of the judgesâ€™ activities while all the contestants were out cross-promoting Ice Age. Just as I suspected, there was Paula in high priestess robes and Simon in his black t-shirt with cowl carrying out a ritual sacrifice of a fatted calf and one of Heather Coxâ€™s goats under a freeze frame of Mandisa. Iâ€™m just glad none of those far right bloggers were around to witness it and tell everyone about how degenerate Hollywood celebrities really are. After all, what do celebrities know about politics as opposed to say, rich people?
In the meantime, Randy and Ryan were at an overeaters anonymous meeting with Jared from Subway, who apparently wants to be a guest judge on the show. Jared was unhappy because the producers kept insisting that they have their standards about the musical bonafides of any guest judge. They said, â€śLook, weâ€™ve earned a reputation for musical integrity. Weâ€™ve had Quentin Tarantino, Barry Manilow, and now Kenny Rogers.â€ť