After my wife and I finished watching American Idol a couple weeks ago, I decided to put on a beanie and sing about butterflies in falsetto to her as we headed to the bedroom. She hasn’t laughed at me in quite that way in a long time. I wound up putting the beanie away and gave up all thought of singing any more Michael Jackson to her, but by morning she was going “Hey Ace, how about loading the dishwasher and folding the towels.”
I yelled back, “Dear, I’m not your father figure.”
Then she started begging me to do that thing where I run a hand through my hair and stare longingly at the security camera in our neighbor’s driveway but then she started laughing some more. This weekend though, I’m going to do stuff like hammering shingles and staining doors also while staring at the camera, humming Stevie Wonder, and steadfastly not complaining that I’m missing the NCAA Sweet Sixteen. My wife insists that gets her way more excited than smoldering stares and hand through hair moves even in the still of the night and if I finish cleaning out our garage too, it’ll get me out of her bottom three.
Someone needs to pull Ace aside and say “Hey, beanie boy. You want to do the heartthrob thing? Why not think Elvis, Marvin Gaye, maybe even Nellie? Yes, I know a long time ago girls might have fantasized about Michael Jackson, but that was before it come out that he wasn’t fantasizing back about them.”
My wife got back at me though. I came home a couple Wednesdays back and she said she was making this new recipe for something called “Callamurray,” (a sea creature that has the head of one of the characters on the Mary Tyler Moore show) which she followed with “Salmonella” (apparently that’s where you sing scat while cooking fish). Anyway, she affected this strange accent halfway between Dolly Parton and Paris Hilton. I went to the living room and put on a Beatles disk, the real ones not as covered by American Idol contestants, to drown out the twang. She responded by saying, “I ain’t never heard of no Beatles. Are they like Garth Brooks?”
To which I said, “You know dear, I saw a picture in the National Enquirer of Kellie Pickler reading Wittgenstein while dressed in one of Jennifer Lopez’s old awards show outfits. I think she’s faking it. You might as well pretend to be Mandisa.”
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Jak Klinikowski
Love your commentary, but Jessica Lange was lip-synking in Sweet Dreams. Of course, since she was lip-synking to Patsy's actual vocals, your comment still applys.
You keep goin ACE!
Jak Klinikowski
El Paso Texas
2 - chancelucky
Thanks for the kind comment. I realized that she was lipsynching, which is why I said that Lange wasn't actually a singer, but I guess it was still ambiguous.
3 - Mark Saleski
the image of picklet reading Wittgenstein almost made me eject my coffee.
4 - telle
i think all of the contestunt did good but if you tonight anounce this that i really think kelly picklur should stay and not go in the bottom 3.
5 - Sara
More people like Chris than just grandmothers, you kno!
6 - Just Lookin
Really funny *and* insightful commentary!
Keep on writing!
7 - chancelucky
Just Lookin, thanks for the kind comment.
Sara, I realize that Chris's appeal goes beyond grandmothers, but I've kind of wondered how much he appeals to actual alt rockers. I still remember Constantine's band very funny reaction (possibly fake) when he told them he was going on the show.
Mark, apparently Wittgenstein tried to teach school in rural Austria at one point (more or less the Germanic equivalent of Albermarle, North Carolina. It didn't work very well.)
telle, I actually find Kellie Pickler entertaining. I just don't know how much longer I'll keep finding her entertaining. She hasn't been in the bottom 3 year, so that has to be a good sign for her.
8 - Nicky
Great review!!
9 - Sarah
Chancelucky, Katharine & her family already confirmed she's not a scientologist. The first & last name listed on the scientology center are the same, but different second name.
10 - chancelucky
Sarah, thanks for the clarification re: Katharine. I'm glad to hear that she'll be available to sing or appear as a recurring character on South Park.
11 - Sarah
haha..I like your review though!!
12 - Gabz
haha, i was literally laughing out loud...that was great!!!
13 - Rori
you are KEEEELING me. KEEELING me I tell you!
14 - looga
not sure what to say. love ur comments though :)
15 - Tamara Palmere
I think for Katherine, it is an act. Granted, a phenom singer, but the whole ditsy thing when she actually talks...enough already. So, kinda over that. I definitely think there's some manipulation happening there. she's playing all the right cards...
Elliot- amazing singer. He doesn't bring that "special thing/ x factor" they keep talking about, but compare him to some goofy looking singers like Moby and others, c'mon. As Simon says- "it's a singing competition." You just sit there and listen to Elliot and the cords that come out- absolutely the best. Don't sign him off because he may not have the look.
Kevin- belongs on a broadway stage, not on the radio.
16 - Azure
I love the way you write! It's almost scary, when you really think about it, that intelligent, articulate adults (like us, LOL) actually care about American Idol!! It's definitely an addiction!
Keep up the great work!
17 - Katie
I don't remember any of Katharine's performances.
You are way off on a lot of the contestants.
18 - Wendie
Very very funny! A good morning read here in the UK! I've bookmarked it and hope you write more. Loved the comment of 9 singers and one from revival of Hee Haw! LOL! He's a likeable guy but a good way to describe him. Thanks for the laugh to start the day!
19 - Jen
That was so funny I'll forgive you for the Bucky fan comment. ;)
20 - chancelucky
I want to thank everyone for the many positive comments and for taking the time to read my review.
21 - Joanie
Congrats! This review has just been placed on Advance.net
22 - Ricky
Tamara Palmere, I think you confused between Katharine and Kellie hahhh.
23 - Nancy
I love your commentary - very witty and I your double entendres are great. Great writing!
You've made an excellent point about people growing on AI as opposed to already knowing who they are - it did endear us to Clay and Kelly. The show has changed in many ways since the first two years.
Be that as it may, I'll be watching tonight. I haven't been this interested in AI since the second season. I find this season's contestants to be diverse and interesting; and some to be quite annoying.
Thanks for a great read. :)
24 - Caitlyn
O.K. i love ya...dump your wife and marry me.. err wait ..your wife is great!
i bookmarked you. with an excellent site remark
this was the most insightful and heal-arious
review i have read.
humor has already been the way to do it w.o
getting lynched :)
25 - Sizzlin Sandi
It's time for Katherine to go, she is way to fake and or ditzy, enough of the act already.
Kelly is entertaining, she won't last though.
Keep Bucky, he's cute and is way better than others....
Paris and Lisa, so over them
Ace, sorry babe, beanie or no beanie, you're time is up.