Start spreadin' the news! The American Idol auditions have come to New York! I can only begin to imagine the freaks we'll be seeing.
Ah, we have a guest judge. She is Carole Bayer Sager, a multi-award winning lyricist, singer, and songwriter. And when I say multi, I mean it. Carole has won an Academy Award (for "Arthur's Theme"), a Grammy ("That's What Friends are For"), two Golden Globes, and a Tony. Holy shit, this woman is hardcore — and she looks a lot like Joan Collins, circa 1986. Carole takes her seat between Paula and Simon, and the games begin.
First up is Ian Bernardo, who is quite possibly the gayest, biggest diva I have ever seen on the show. We know his name because he's wearing it on his shirt. Oy. He pretty much perpetuates every negative gay stereotype that exists. I can't believe I've found someone more egotistical, annoying, and conceited than Bryanboy and Bobby Trendy. With huge, pouty lips, Ian snootily tells Ryan that once's he's famous, Ryan would be calling him but Ian would hang up on Ryan. Wow, rude much?
Anyway, Ian tried out for So You Think You Can Dance and didn't make it, proceeding to cuss out judge Nigel Lythgoe (who incidentally, is one of American Idol's producers). Ian launches into an anti-British tirade, demanding why a British person is judging an American show. Maybe it's because he created it, you fucktard. The audience is tortured by several minutes of Ian walking outside, harrassing passersby by proclaiming how great he is and that they should be awed by his mere presence.
When we finally see Ian's audition, it's a predictable trainwreck. He doesn't so much sing "Gloria" but rather speaks the lyrics. It's as if he were chastising someone named Gloria instead of singing a song. When Simon cuts into him, Ian once again launches into anti-British mode, demanding to see Simon's work visa and wondering what British people are doing on a show called American Idol. Wow, he's completely clueless about the show's history, isn't he?
Sarah Burgess lied to her parents. Apparently she and her dad don't get along, and she didn't tell him that she was auditioning. She actually starts crying in front of the judges. Oh, please. Who the hell cares about your problems with your dad? Lots of people don't get along with their parents; they don't cry on TV about it. Fortunately, Sarah has a good voice, and she's through to the next round. Ryan has her call her dad to tell him the good news. Of course he doesn't yell at her. Yawn.