Match Five: White House Press Secretary
Ari Fleischer vs. C. J. Cregg: FIGHT!
Booking agents have closed shop for Match Five and aren't taking any bets. Cregg's strong and tall frame combined with her mastery of improvisational techniques make her impossible to beat. Really, the Washington Senators have a better chance against the Globetrotters than Fleischer besting C. J. "The Jackal" Cregg. Sorry, Ari, but you'll be lucky if you see round two.
Match Six: The Vice President of the United States
Dick Cheney vs. John Hoynes: FIGHT!
Cheney has developed a reputation as a pitbull both inside and outside the ring. He is not averse for grabbing a folding chair and smacking his opponent upside the head when the ref isn't looking. Hoynes talks a good talk, but simply isn't a physical match for Cheney. If the competition was based on skirt chasing, Hoynes would have the upper hand. As it stands, look for Cheney to stand triumphant, perhaps with an illegal object in one hand and Hoynes' still-beating heart in the other.
Match Seven: The First Lady
Laura Bush vs. Abbey Bartlet: FIGHT!
Despite having the occasional gleam in her eye that speaks of a beast within, Laura is a lightweight compared to Abbey. To be sure, the fight between them would last well past three rounds. Laura's energy would have her zipping to all points of the ring like a wolverine on PCP, but Abbey would eventually wear her down. After all, both women have experience dealing with sometimes troublesome husbands, and it is in those matches that we see who can take on more. Which brings us to...
Match Eight: The President of the United States
George W. Bush vs. Jed Bartlet: FIGHT!
They're past their athletic prime and they have a history of crashing their bicycles, but both are perfectly able to "Bring it on". Like Laura and Abbey, Bush and Bartlet are fully able to go the distance, and therefore all you pay-per-view folks won't feel a bit cheated. Expect this fight to go a minimum of six rounds, with both getting the living crap beat out of them in the process. Tenacity can only go so far, though, and in the end it will be a knockout delivered to the man from Connecticut by the man from New Hampshire.
The final blow will, naturally, be a mean left hook.
Article comments
1 - Eric Berlin
Hilarious, Alonzo!
I think Ziegler could take out everybody in a cage match, myself.
And I love your invocation of The Jackal.
W.'s from Texas, no? Old man's from the Northeast.
2 - Alonzo Mosley (FBI)
Dubya was actually born in New Haven, CT. Texas is his adopted home.
3 - Lisa McKay
Um, Alonzo, we're trying to keep that New Haven thing under wraps. Texas can have all the credit. Thanks ;-)
4 - Nancy
I notice Bartlett doesn't have a resident skank/maggot aka Karl Rove....
5 - Alonzo Mosley (FBI)
With the exception of the Vice President, I was sticking to the main cast.
I'm half tempted, though, to do a sequel by digging up some of the show's special guest appearances and use them as well.
Can you imagine White House Counsel Lionel Tribbey (aka John Larroquette) going against Alberto Gonzalez? I hope old Al knows how to duck a blow from a Cricket bat.
6 - El Bicho
My money's on Bush in a fight. Bartlett's MS might flair up. If Bush runs into trouble, you know he'll fight dirty. And if it goes to the distance, the judges will score it for Bush (again).
7 - Temple Stark
AM, FBI, Be proud, you're one of the best and a Blogcritics editors' pick. Go to this link here to finds out why.
Thank you.