We want a million an episode.
Then win the tug-of-war, if you can, you anemic little waifs.
Money. Money and job security will motivate the stars of today to excel on both the field and in the studio. Are you facing cancellation? Then perhaps you might think about winning the obstacle course. Are you hoping for a mid-season pick-up? Then make a spectacular catch reminiscent of Richard Hatch's game-winning reception in the end zone during BNS '78. Some of you may be wondering, "What about Fox, UPN or the WB?" We can dump UPN and WB offhand, since they're basically a bunch of UHF stations with delusions of grandeur. Fox is the closest thing to a real network among the three, but its network stars are cartoons and wild animals. Perhaps we can have the stars of When Animals Attack participate in the competition. Having a pack of rabid dogs chasing competitors would make even that guy from King of Queens fleet of foot and push the CBS team to victory in the relay.
This could be a new Golden Age of Television, if only the networks could pool their efforts and subject their stars to abject anguish and pitiless humiliation. If that fails... well, I hear the circus is in town.