Give my regards to Arthur, won't you, and do tell Elsie she's been boiling in my wrist like spit on a burning coal.
Yours,
The Duke De Mondo
Aaron Fleming Writes To The Duke De Mondo
Dear Duke De Mondo,
If my words appear restrained, if the syllabics croak across the page in tentative fear, it is because I am currently sitting underneath a large marble effigy of some or other bygone prophet. The heat is unendurable, and the full moon has brought the vicious flesh-eating local fauna out of a nearby tributary, and so the tribes-people have scarpered to their respective mud-huts. This should give me adequate time to scribble what could end up as my last will, and perhaps testament too.
Thank you for your letter, but there's been much upheaval you have not been privy to, dear chap. As of three months ago, our favorite Arthur mysteriously disappeared from his mansion on the heath. From the tangled mess left in his abode little was deduced. Missing from his possessions was but the odd piece of clothing, a fly swatter, and his DVD collection. Eventually rumors spun out that he had been seen boarding a ship headed south of the equator. I wasted no time stowing myself away on the next voyage going off that direction.
A month of sex-mad sailors later and I was at the crest of the Amazon. STDs in hand, and gums bleeding from here to Elsie's obtuse angled legs, I set off into the wilderness. More rumors circulated concerning a set of unusual Amazonian tribes deep in the Basin. I knew it wouldn't be easy to track down the man. Old boy, let me tell you, I was at a loss for weeks. At one point I almost took up residence with a witch doctor who told me he knew the secret of Brian Dennehy's procreant prowess. Dark times.
One day I stumbled into a feast being held by the Jeffcombies, a notorious Pre-Columbian group of primitive Amerindians. Normally any outsiders would be skinned alive as soon as spotted, but luckily I was wearing my "Lloyd Kaufman ate my baby" T-shirt. Following much chuckling and discussions of The Toxic Avenger, I was initiated as an honorary member.
Turns out that this tribe, in between crimson-coated sacrifices and ethnic piercing, like a bit of the old cinema. Not just any cinema, let me tell you old chap, horror flicks. The more gore, the better. My first night we sat around watching Ghoulies 2 and Slugs.
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
Duelling Aarons, I love it.
Reading this I am either all wet in orgasmic glee, or I just shat myself. Either way twas a glorious few minutes.
2 - Duke De Mondo
"duelling aarons!" haha, shit, that shoulda been the title!
glad you enjoyed it, Sir Brewster. I can only assume there will be many's a grand tale to come.
3 - duane
You guys need to write your novels. You're both gushing style and wit. I volunteer to be part of your test audience.
4 - Duke De Mondo
I'm working on it Duane, and thank you!
5 - Mary K. Williams
"duelling aarons!" haha, shit, that shoulda been the title!
Or, on alternate Tuesdays, title your screeds, "The Gushing Aarons".
Because - like the man said, you do. Gush, that is.
Good Glorious Gushing of Gore, Goodwill, and oft times Gratuitous, but Giggleworthy Grammatical Gems.
6 - Mary K. Williams
yeah, and I liked it too! Good work!
7 - Steve C.
First review I've seen to point out the debt that Aja owes Bruno Dumont. That's awesome.
8 - Duke De Mondo
Mary - The Gushing Aarons is just far too rude to even consider. heh. And thank you.
Steve C - it was a fairly significant debt, i thought. although nothing in this matches the horrific finale of Dumont's number. And thankfully none of that truly distressing agony / ecstasy filthing.
9 - Steve C.
Not much of anything matches the finale of Dumont's crazed exercise in nihilistic ennui, something for which I suppose we should all be grateful. If every film made me feel as emptied-out and exhausted as that film, I'd never get anything done. The last shot, in particular, haunts me to this day (to the point where, if I ever get my screenplay written, I'm gonna steal that shot).
10 - Iloz Zoc
I could write like this, if only Zombos would let me. Damn you Duke. By the way, are you related to the De Mondos on Zimba's side? I think they were all hanged for cannibalism, but aside from that, they were a fun bunch at parties.
11 - Duke De Mondo
iloz zoc, a damn honour to have you pop up here, considering the marvels you yourself have crafted. The ol' family history gets decidedly muddy round about the turn of the 19th century, but i do have a cousin Jimmy De Mondo who was tried for antics similar to cannibalism, and, indeed, found guilty.
12 - Aaron Fleming
Thanks for the comments all you, um, commentors.
Isn't Jimmy Hart also a cousin of yours Duke?