The girl with the New Jersey eyes looks a bit unsure of it all, to be honest, looks like maybe she might at any moment get up and take her paperback someplace else, someplace where she can carry on re-reading Naked Lunch without having to look up every now and again for to nod or "hmm" in agreement with regards this motherfucker's waxing on and off about Woody Allen.
She ain't got no time for this bullshit, not when Burroughs is busy weaving his grot-soaked tapestry of buggery and the brown, not when there's all sortsa demented odes to smack-soaked abandon waiting on the other side a that yellowed page.
I dare say a fella is gonna have to take heed of the signs slapped cross the faces of folks pretending not to notice, gonna have to accept that no, this is going no place whatsoever, and worse, it's going there in such a horrific fashion that there ain't ever gonna be any hope of attempting a more pleasant journey sometimes in the future.
It's better this way, is what. You go sit with Burroughs, cause let's face it, the longer I keep yacking, the sooner there's gonna be something unspeakably imbecilic fly from out my face, like the time I went up for to ask a girl if she wanted a drink, and instead ended up telling her how I thought I was gay for a couple weeks back in 2001.
Anyhow, the further you are from me, the more lyrics there'll be for my next web-net record, the more misery and self-pity there'll be for the latest opus of filth and motherfuckery masquerading as "A Review Of Some Nonsense Or Other".
Because you'll be well aware, lass, that The Duke finds it almost impossible to wax critical with regards any damn thing whatsoever, if he cannot inject at least 67 litres of pure ether-soaked narcissism into every paragraph.
You are the most wretchedly fucking self-indulgent "critic" I've ever encountered, is what the dope-sick priest next-door told me one time. Take Ebert as an example, he advised. You think Ebert wastes 300 words on this girl he saw one time, and how probably he'll think about her a little while later, when the adverts are on and there ain't nothing much else for to do but go grimace in a corner for five, six minutes?
Well, there was the time he did that review of Van Helsing, where he just talked about the time he took a shit on a tramp's face for the price of a cheeseburger.
The lawyer who lives with the priest is only too happy to point out that no such review was ever written.
Article comments
1 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
oh for gods sakes. i didn't know this published. my apologies to all.
2 - Bryan McKay
No need to apologize, Duke. I read this and was actually surprised to see no one else had commented. I think this ranks up there with some of your finest writing. I really loved it. I'm a huge Woody Allen fan myself, so I can certainly understand your enthusiasm for the subject.
3 - Bennett
Duke, read this early this AM, but didn't want to be the first to post a comment *again*... Sipped hot creamy caffine as I took my time digesting it all. Wished there were Dublin accents around here, and hoped that your introspection leads you to further inspiration.
The conversation with god was how I'd imagine god, if he dropped in on you. That was brilliant. And painting the slow picture of how WA's films were all about you, or how they each affected YOU, was an out of the ordinary but deep way of presenting his work.
Thanks again for a brain stimulating morning novelette.
high regards.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks for the kind words folks. i think i'll return to this one day soon. certainly the second half pains me no end.
but thank you! a fella feels secure in his troubles.
5 - Eric Berlin
The Duke meets Burroughs meets God meets Allen, all in one sitting.
I can barely stand it... brilliant.
One of the best lines I've read anywhere in some time was that relating to Allen's penchant for films with an autumnal hue. Sleeper -- one of my favorite oddball sci-fi comedies of ever -- kind of fits into the summer camp with Midsummer Night's, don't you think?
6 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Eric, thank you man. I still hate the last third of this, but one day i'll fix it up.
And that's interesting, how Sleeper fits in the summer camp with midsummers... i'd never thought of that, but its true.