You may remember that when Roseanne ended, a few years ago, they did the final episode thing, but instead of giving us the best hour of our lives that involves Roseanne, they told us it was all a pile of hoo-hah concocted by a lonely woman who had lost most of her loved ones in various awful ways. It was a big fat sack of fraudulence. That made a viewer feel a little depressed, is what.
What they should have done is ended it all like these Friends folks, by giving us the best episodes we've seen since the time they all went to London and acted smug in front of the Brits. Sure, it leaves you sad and teary-eyed and all that malarkey, but you feel uplifted, not like someone's just shit on your favourite jacket.
How can I wear this jacket again, knowing that your dung has disgraced its cotton?
If The Duke wasn't a mean son of a bitch with a thirst for vengeance, he might have cried a bit when this was all coming to a close. He might have felt a bit choked up. And then he might laugh, but it's like when someone tells you a joke after you started crying on account of the death of your budgie. It's that sort of half-cough sniffle laugh that only lasts a second and then you're back to the weeping.
That kinda shit don't wash with The Duke, though, man. I was steely eyed, is what.
Anyway, in a perfect world, this is how those Adventures Of The Hobbits films would have ended, too. There'd be Frodo, and he's gonna get on a boat and head off with Gandalf and co, and little Samwise, he's all, "Shit, I don't care. Fuck you, you Ho, I don't want you back", and so on. But then at the last minute, just as Frodo's about to go, there's Sam, standing at the water's edge, rubbing his little hobbit fingers across his cheeks, trying in vain to mask the veil of tears descending over his eyes. "Mr Frodo sir", he would say. "I can't let you go on that boat. I love you, Mr Frodo." Frodo would look at Gandalf, as if to say, "Hey, what do I do, man?" and then he looks at Sam, and he says "Sam…" and we bite our lips and we're like Yes! Yes! Tell him you love him, you little hairy-footed bastard! And Frodo says, "I love you", and we shake our fists with excitement. "But… I have to go now."
Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
Neither of us saw The Friends-Files and both of us hated it. Especially since Scully got fucked by that monkey.
And they turned Mulder into an anorexic woman.