Let's be all the honest in the world. Ever since the masterful, inexplicably underrated Amityville II - The Possession, that funky house at 112 Ocean Avenue has been dragged through all sortsa crud and pish and spittle. There's been the occasional lifeline flung at those iconic windows here and there, maybe in the shape of Amityville 4 - The Evil Escapes, or Amityville Dollhouse, but for all the creepy moments or cool effects over the past two decades, a man can't help but wish someone would give that house a nice toucha paint and restore it to something approaching former glories.
I ain't asking for miracles. I know an Amityville II - The Possession is totally out the fucking question, but maybe something somewheres between Amityville 3D and the original Amityville Horror. I mean come on, the climate is perfect for an Amityville 9 that shreds the bejeesus outta, say, Amityville 1992. Something that owes a touch to all that Asian fare, something that reeks of Alejandro Amenabar's The Others, something freaky and unsettling. Folks dig this kinda shit nowadays. Give me The Ring, these audiences are hollering. I want my horror blue as fuck and all subtle hints and discomforting glances. Shove your maniac axe-saw murders up your filthy stinking cack-hole. Scare me shitless with a reflection, would you ever?
What happened, you may be aware, is something along the lines of The Man decided "Fuck that Amityville 9 malarkey" and went back to the source. Let's do a big remake of The Amityville Horror, The Man announced.
This is a great idea for several reasons, most of which are something along the lines of the following;
The Amityville Horror 1979 isn't an especially great flick. For sure, it's got moments of giddy delight scattered around, like Margot Kidder's ridiculously revealing night-dress, or James Brolin's ridiculously unkempt facial hair, or Rod Steiger Versus A Buncha Flies, but overall it's a bit slight.
If you're gonna remake an incredibly successful seventies horror flick, best remake one that didn't quite nail it in the first place. The fuck can be the thinking behind remaking The Texas Chain Saw Massacre or Dawn Of The Dead? Those sons a bitches nailed the bastards. Go grab something that could've been fixed up here and there.
And keep your stinking fingers off of Amityville 2. No-one will ever utter "You wanna smoke, priest?" with anything approaching the hard-ass majesty of Burt Young.
Article comments
1 - Mat
Perfect again, Duke. Especially:
"Where the fuck's all my bastard cues gone, it hollers to no-one in particular. I went to grab a cue this morning, ain't a bastard cue to be found."
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
cheers mat. glad you dug it.
3 - Chris Beaumont
Now that's a fun review. If only I could reach your level of eloquence. Even if we don't agree on the success of the film (movie?) in question!
Keep'im coming!
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
cheers chris, although i think any accusations of eloquence directed at yours truly are fit only for some CNN-sponsored courtroom shindig of some sort.
5 - Chris Beaumont
It's sort of like that segment from A Christmas Story, referring to his father as an artist with curse words!
6 - Eric Berlin
I had no idea that Burt Young was in Amityville 2 -- that makes it worth a viewing right there.
For anyone who doesn't know, Amityville is located on Long Island, New York and about a twenty minute drive from where I grew up to boot. There are a lot of house in that area that look like the bloody god-forsaken house used in that movie. I particularly remember those oddly arched windows, and I used to get creeped out passing by various developments as a young lad.
I've always had a curse in my heart for this haunted house franchise, though it did help coin a phrase for me, perhaps one of my first ever coined phrases...
During the opening moments of a horror movie, when weird shit starts happening by the characters choose to ignore it... to their everlasting remorse, I would pipe up say, "I'd be half-way to Texas if that happened to me."
Verveful little tyke, I was.
Brilliant job as always, Duke.
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
wow! you lived near Amityville??? this is beyond amazing.
and you must find Amityville II immediately. it is nothing less than a masterpiece.
8 - Eric Berlin
Yep, 'tis true... that might explain a lot, actually.
Turns out it's about 18 miles from the old family homestead.
9 - Eric Berlin
Ah, don't think that link is going to work. Oh, it's just as well...
The horror can remain a secret...
10 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i wanna live in Amityville!!!
or at least the snow-kissed amityville near the end of Amityville II.
i must get a post on that masterpiece assembled sometime shortly.
11 - Eric Berlin
Dude -- You don't want to live on Long Island. I go back every now and again to visit the fam, but...
Talk about the horror!